On the Yearning for a Beautiful Feed When Life Gets In the Way

There should be a fancy German word for the yearning to quickly create something that will look beautiful on goddamn Instagram.

I have a new routine (and you know I love me some new routines), and it involves me getting up at five in the morning (yes, this is what some self-employed people do). I do a bunch of things that are good for me (yoga! meditation! journaling!), and then I’m working by 7:30 AM.

If you subscribe to Cal Newport’s Deep Work theory, which I do, you know we only have 3 to 4 hours (at most) of excellent thinking in us per day. I write from 7:30 till about noon when I’m done with my heavy lifting.

Since I start so early, lately I’ve been giving myself a nice big fat lunch break. Sometimes it involves a long nap, sometimes a dip in the hot tub (more on this soon) — it always involves reading a book.

Then I quick-change into a different hat. Afternoons are devoted to important business stuff like email and marketing and eating vast amounts of cheddar popcorn from Trader Joe’s.

But, dude, I’m kind of wiped out by the time it’s four or five. That’s when I start scrolling Instagram, the only almost-safe social media platform left when it comes to not getting triggered by politics.

And when I’m scrolling, what I’m really doing is yearning for another–different–outlet. What if my business was actually making and sewing red buttons to black velvet? What if I cast spells and drew tarot cards online? What if I calligraphed heartfelt sayings and sold them to the highest bidder?

I’m not saying I want to do any of these things. The opposite — I have the best job in the world, and I truly wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

But I yearn for a beautiful Instagram feed. Right now, my feed is full of the rescued puppies, some selfies, and more pictures of puppies.

(Video via puppy-comadre, my sister Bethany.)

My Insta feed feels a little bit like my house does. Cluttered and untidy, but 100% the place I want most to be. (Literally something that just happened two seconds ago — I tried to put on my slippers which were under my desk, and I had to shake cheese popcorn out of them first.)

What does this all mean?

Perhaps this afternoon’s musing is about honoring that desire to capture something beautiful and to set it next to reality.

My life is messy and full of puppy poop. But it’s also chock full of love and laughter and light and grace and gratefulness.

Pensive Iris

I think I’m going to try to write more frequent posts (without rules – I set myself a rule of one a day and immediately didn’t feel like doing it). I think I’ll do calligraphy of my own quotes. They’ll be awkward and a little sloppy and completely heartfelt. I either continue it or I’ll stop, either is fine.

I’m getting better at understanding that life is okay just the way it is, and that I’m just fine, where I am, in this seat, even when I’m sitting on ground popcorn cheese (perhaps especially then).