1. Do not stand on top of a ladder so someone can hem your dress at the last minute.
2. Do not let some horrid little blonde that you’ve never met before do your makeup because you will look like Tammy Faye and she and all her sorority sisters will laugh at you.
3. Do remember to bring the veil to the dressing area.
4. If you forget, do not attempt to make one with raffia. This will not work, even if you try for hours.
5. The hole that rips in the back of the dress right over your tuckus should probably be mended. Someone will notice.
6. It is better to take off the dress before letting that horrible, catty blonde sew it up from behind you.
7. Do not accept a package from the UPS guy and let him accidentally carry away your envelope holding your plane tickets and passport.
8. Take off your dress and put something else on before you search his filthy, oily garage. Don’t crawl under cars in your dress. You’ll regret it.
9. Quit looking at the clock. Yes, you’re two hours late now, and you know that your fiance and all your guests have given up on you and are drinking all the booze you spent this week planning, buying, and transporting.
10. If you DO make out with the UPS guy, don’t feel guilty. It’s a dream, and he’s hot. Just do it where that blonde bitch can’t see you.
11. Don’t agree to transport the cake yourself. If you do, the veil you found will be covered with frosting, you will get in a fender bender, the cake will end up in pieces on the backseat floor, and you’ll be arguing in the rain in your torn, oily dress with the other driver and then you’ll look up to find your friends and family leaving the church, not sparing you a glance. You will cry and then wake up to realize it’s only a dream and Lala’s still there and Harriet is snoring and it’s okay. So that part of the dream is good.
Oh, honey…
a little pre-wedding anxiety huh? Just take a nice look at all your lists and planning and know that none of that will ever come to pass. And take this as another reminder to book those massages for you and Lala.
aw, schmoo. at least it all happened in the dream so it won’t happen for real. 🙂 Massages definitely sound like a good idea!
Wow, that was quite an involved dream! And yeah, everything you said is completely correct. 🙂
Relax, hon. None of those things will happen. And if they do, you’ll giggle them off as you fly off into the sunset with your girl.
holy shit, girl.
Worried, much?
I think you’ve been watching too many movies starring Julia Roberts…..
Here is another don’t to have in a pre-wedding dream (and it was for real) Don’t balance a can of Coke on the dash of a ’71 yellow Super Bug (VW) with your wedding dress in the back and come to a sudden stop on the way to the wedding. It was a miracle that when the coke flew through the air not a drop got on my best friend’s wedding dress.
Best wishes to you and Lala!!! This wedding is just too exciting!!!!!!!
Oh Sweetie… Big hugs. Now take a deep breath, and remember that in real life, Lala would wait an eternity for you and think you beautiful even in an oil stained dress and scary make up.
(um, you’d still need to do something about that gaping hole over your tuckus though. *snicker*)
Man, I can only imagine the stress of all of it! But what hilarious and terrifying dream it must have been. Better to live them out in a dream instead of real life.
Your wedding is going to beautiful and a lovely way to show your love for each other.
Good luck! And I’ll be crossing my fingers and sending bunches of good luck you way!
Geez. Having a little stress, are we? Maybe it’s just your psychees way of working out all your anxieties so that the big day will be absolutely perfect!
You know, that is eerily similar to an actual experience I had, going to a wedding (not mine) and breaking down on the way. Then the bottle of home made wine in the back popped open from the heat, right next to the hand made dress and the kilt and suit jacket from Scotland.
All was well then, you’re going to have one of the best days of your life. Followed by many, many best days with your loving wife. Slainte!!
We actors all know that a bad dress rehearsal means a fabulous opening night. You’ve got this. 🙂
Maybe drink a little of that wine now? Before you go to bed?
I thought of you and Lala Sunday night, watching the L-Word. The wedding part – definitely the wedding part- not the Shane ditching at the last minute part.
NO more coffee for you! NONE!
It will be fine. I’ll bring needle and thread and I’m not blonde so I can mend for you… 🙂
that is hysterical and yet so educationally informative…
(ps you are gorgeous as you are and will be even more so on your day- it WILL be perfect, the benevolent dictator decrees it as so)
You’ll be fine, dude. I had all of those, and you know what? I showed up half an hour late, my hair didn’t get done, and I forgot all of the frozen fish.
I still got married, everyone waited for me, my hair looked fine, and we bought more fish.
Just make sure ~you~ show up and let everyone else deal with all of the other shit.
I’ll punch the blonde out for you.
I’m chuckling right now, but only because I know you know that none of those things will happen — but I think Lala will want to know about the making out with the UPS guy part. Oh, and family members are there to get testy with. Take the stress out on them.
The (usually) most wonderful moment in the world? The “it was just a dream!” moment. Sigh. Did you get that massage you were talking about? 🙂
You need a drink. And a massage. And some deep breathing. You’re going to have a wonderful, fun, no-hitches wedding. Mwah.
Ohhh, you poor poor thing. Somebody needs a little vacay when this is all over, eh?
Poor sweetie! It will be okay. It will be better than okay.
Holy canolli! Deep breaths…. You guys are going to have a blast! No worries!
Ah, wedding dreams. Just make sure if you have a stairway to walk down alone…as we were leaving to go to the church, my maid of honor came down the steps behind me. She stepped on my train and tripped into me, causing each of us to pitch forward. Thank goodness my mom was close by and stopped the fall!
Don’t worry, it is completely normal to feel this way. Even though that probably doesn’t make you feel any better!
Someone gave me a very valuable piece of advice right before I flew off for my wedding. When you are standing facing your partner, take a moment to pay attention to all of your senses. What you see, what do you smell, what sounds do you hear, the feel your partners hands. I can still remember the smell of the islands and the sound of the ocean when I think of my wedding, and it probably would have rushed by had I not been given such good advice!
You will be fine!
Whew. It was all just a dream. I’ve been having those kind of dreams lately.
Oh my. You need a good stiff bourbon drink. And a massage. And a nice long bubble bath. Maybe all at the same time.
And another hint? Don’t drink the water in a foreign country for several days before your wedding. It probably explains the panicked look on everybody’s faces in all our wedding photos.
Hmm…pretty much speechless. Here’s hoping for no more wedding dreams.
Do you need someone to come over and hem your dress? I’m good at that.
And I’m not horrible and catty, although I am partially blond.
Ahh, yes, the classic anxiety dream. I agree, the best parts o’ those’re wakin’ up, and goin’ oh, good, it’s just a dream. I dreamed recently that I was starring in a play and didn’t know any o’ my lines. My costume was a pink bathing suit. Yesiree.
Oh dear. That would make a great short story though.
And it’ll be so funny when you and Lala are old ladies sitting on rocking chairs on your 50th wedding anniversary.
Hey, write that up in novel form and you’ll be the next Pynchon!
I take this man/woman/screaming nightmare…
I planned a wedding once. Not long enough to actually end up married, but long enough to have a wedding nightmare.
In my nightmare, the officient didn’t show up, and I was running around the hotel yelling, “Is Anyone Here A Notary? Is Anyone Here A Nota
Just a little STRESSED???
Deep breaths.
And liquor.
Lorette, I assure you the water here in Vancouver BC Canada is fine 😉
Ahh, pre wedding jitters, aren’t they grand? 🙁 A glass of wine and a long soak are in order!
There comes a point past which you just decide to enjoy your wedding, cause the details don’t matter in the end. I don’t think this happened until the day I married your mother, just before I was on my way to St. Barnabas, but it was joyous release when it happened. Wow! what a fun time!
Love you so much,
Dad
Man, that dream has a familiar ring to it. I had a lot of dress-related dreams before my wedding–mostly still trying to get it on while the bridesmaids were walking down the aisle! Oy. But it all turned out beautifully–and I know yours will too!
Go Dad! :::sniff sniff::: Is he that sweet in real life?
He’s right though…when you’re standing there in the moment none of the little details that may or may not have been taken care of will matter in the least. All that will matter is the two of you! Make sure to relax and enjoy yourself. You don’t want to look back and say “Oh that wasn’t right, and the cake wasn’t this or that, etc” you want to say “WOW! What a day”.
Oh, yes! I had a dream SOOOO vivid the night before our wedding! It all went wrong, but the worst part was waking up in my bed in my parents’ house. What happened!?!?! I was married — so why was I back at home?!?!?
The ONLY WAY I could convince myself it had only been a dream was to get out my wedding shoes from my closet — only when I could see they had never been worn did I finally believe it was only a dream.
20 years later I still remember the panicky feeling!
(Then there are baby-dreams. I TWICE dreamt I gave birth to puppies while pregnant with older son David….)