I did my writing.
The penal code in California for an altercation/fight/disturbance is 415 (said four-fifteen). I’ve always got code running through my mind, and I struggle not to use it in polite conversation. But there’s no other good way to say it: I’ve been four-fifteening with my writing for the last, what? Month? Ever since I got sick, I think. I think about it constantly. I want to write constantly. But I don’t. I just put it off, until it’s ludicrous to put it off one more time – yet I do.
I was talking to Bethany and my friend Marama yesterday about it. There’s something so similar in the way I put off writing to the way other people put off working out. It’s always “tomorrow.” (I say “some people” because while I put off working out, I NEVER feel badly about it. I figure I’ll be fat and happy, right? No guilt on that count. For once.) And it’s always tomorrow. How the hell do we tell ourselves that with a straight face?
“Yeah, Inner Rachael, I’ll write tomorrow. Because tomorrow I’ll suddenly have all the time I need to get into a good writerly space, I’ll have the energy, and my brain will be more alert. In fact, if I don’t write today, I’ll be BETTER at writing tomorrow. It’s gonna be great! I can’t WAIT to write tomorrow!”
How does my Inner Self prevent herself from falling about the place, holding her sides from laughing? Instead she nods and agrees (lazy cat). “Tomorrow sounds like a perfect time to write. Now you just put your feet up and read some blogs or something. Relax. You’re working hard, you deserve a break.”
FROM WHAT?
What it comes right down to is that I’m a writer. Not because I write, and not because I get paid to write (please, every blue moon or so), but because there’s nothing else in my heart or mind that makes me happy like writing does. I have no idea why I kick and scream my way to the page, but once I’m there, I’m happy. Even struggling with the characters, as I am right now, I’m happy. Utterly content. And having written…. Well. Is there a better feeling? If I still smoked, I’d light up after writing. It’s like that.
Today I kicked my procrastinator’s agenda by attacking it like this: Instead of doing my eternal puttering upon waking, instead of blogging and checking the blogs I can’t live without checking, instead of making phone calls and paying bills, instead of making breakfast (or whatever meal it is you make when you wake at 2pm), I got out of bed, made a cup of green tea, and wrote.
Seems so simple, doesn’t it? Make it the first priority, because it should be that, anyway. Do it first. I’ve always been a big proponent of Doing the Hard Stuff First because then the ice cream tastes better, so I don’t know why I’ve never done this. Some little voice in my head (I swear I’m no more schizophrenic than most) always told me I had to wake up first and turn on my thought processes. Screw that. All that means is that I get quicker at thinking up excuses why tomorrow will be better. And waking up in front of the page was lovely.
Write first. Eat/blog/chat/TiVo/clean later. Yeah.
What is that little thing in our brains that keeps us away from the page? That remembers all the labor pains but forgets every damn time the afterglow of Having Written? Today’s been one of those days. I’ve been about to sit down to write for…oh…about seven hours now. Yes, I wrote yesterday and the day before…but that doesn’t excuse me from writing today. Me, the girl who’s always complaining about not enough time to write has wasted an entire day of it. Gah!
And now I’m going to do it. For real. Right now. I promise. (You can check up on me later for a page count.)
MWAH!
YAY.YAY.YAY.
I just started reading Julia Cameron’s new book today…
The Sound of Paper.
Delicious.
I am SO proud of you.
You ARE a writer,
so write ON!
this blogging community is so great!! just yesterday I was thinking about you and I thought – ‘she hasn’t mentioned writing in awhile, I wonder if she is still doing that’ – like we’re old friends or something! …..please don’t be worried, I’m not obsessed or anything, just a bit of wondering!! 🙂
Argh! The browser ate my comment! Here we go again, if I can remember all of it:
I’ve been trying to institute morning pages for years! It never really “took”. Writing used to come so much easier. Now everything feels, sounds wooden. Good on you, Rachel for grabbing that voice by the scruff of the neck and shoving it out of the way. I’m going to go finish the back of Amber so I can get my own little glow going…
Mmm, the after glow of expectation fulfilled and body satiated by the flow of words ideas and flashes of inspiration as you open that bottle of ink and let the pen glide across the page, being awake enough to check the pen has ink in it :0) Working out can wait for weeding in the garden all praise for a womans belly is what I say.
May I just ask if you are getting up at 2pm exactly how much sleep are you operating on??? Just I’d kind of like the rest of Rachael to experience the afterglow along with her mind and suspect even you need six hours sleep a day.
I am looking forward to the report on your first do nothing day…remember that inspiration that came through the coughing and ugh numoniah recently of just being and seeing without doing or planning. Staring off into the distance is great way to find those waking moments filled with thoughts found dancing on the page but even better for the long term health of you. So don’t forget that thought eh.
Just confirming: breakfast can definitely be made at 2 pm. And it looks like writing can be done then, too. Yay, you!
Yes–this is exactly the inner dialogue I have about writing. I don’t always feel better for having done it, though–not when I’m doing the academic thing. That IS a chore.
Atta girl! You are SO right. Can you bring a little sample when you come east?
okay then. working out will be first. I’m not a writer, but I certainly am one of “those people” who put off working out. I REALLY can’t bring myself to get up even earlier in the morning than I already do for work, so I’m not going to set unrealistic expectations for myself, but I’m going to make exercise the first thing when I come home in the evening. Especially since there’s just about enough daylight left when I get home to run around the lake once. Thanks Rach–if you can I can.
D-oh… oh, you totally summed up what I’ve been doing with painting too, especially now that I have some pieces up and need to produce!! Glad you’re back to it, I hope it’s being all it should be. 🙂
The brain-non-function in the morning is an excuse that I use too. Its worked for many years and I’m attached to it. But then. I’m not a writer.