This is a serious question, even though I’m pretty sure it’s kind of an annoying one. How to relax? Seriously? Those of you who are good at relaxing, please know that the tight-ass Type A workaholics among us don’t actually always enjoy being this way (though truth be told, we often do).
I finished a book on Friday. It was the fastest I’ve ever written a book, and lord, you know I’m usually fast. And the book is good — I can feel it. (Don’t worry — it’s at the beginning of its life, off to my editor now, and she’ll help me shape it into something I don’t have to hope is good, but can actually know is good. God bless an excellent editor.)
I want to relax and take some days off.
But I literally don’t know how.
I’m a workaholic. I used to think that was just a funny word, but now it doesn’t feel very funny at all.
It’s Monday. I managed to work over the weekend (some marketing, and a writer’s email). And I’m suddenly drowning in worry that I’m Not Doing Enough. I should be knee deep in the next book idea! I should be writing a Patreon essay! I should be making a new online class! I should be GENERATING REVENUE.
Lala bought a used car this weekend.
She needed one. Her 20-year-old station wagon rained on the inside every time it rained on the outside. The radio didn’t work and recently the tape deck stopped, too. It doesn’t idle well in traffic and the other day with all three dogs in the car, I pulled over on the freeway because I thought it was on fire. It wasn’t, but it was close. We had most of the money saved in the New(ish) Car Fund because YNAB is amazing and taught me about how to save money. We’re taking out a loan for the final $3,000 (car was $11,400) to increase Lala’s credit rating (which is already stunning) at credit union rate of 2.4%, but we’ll try to pay that off quickly.
Doesn’t all of this make sense? It does.
And I still panic about money on the regular.
Seven months into being a full-time writer, I still feel like I’m living the dream and I shouldn’t be allowed to. I should have to get a part-time job waitressing or telemarketing or something awful.
I worked hard at a hard job for a long time (17 years, average 60 hours/week). Now that I do what I love, it just feels… It feels too great. I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to hit the floor.
Today this is what I’d like to do:
Sit on the couch and watch the new Gilmore Girls while knitting. All day.
Here’s the problem, and I’m truly asking for advice here: The house isn’t tidy. The dishes aren’t done. There’s poop in the backyard, and the weeds are taking over. My office isn’t minimalist anymore — it’s a maximalist place with no surface clear, full of yarn and books and clothes that need mending. The front porch, which I’d like to clear off, is full of Stuff, as is the closet in the bedroom.
If I “do a little bit” I’ll end up working on these kinds of things until I finally grab half an hour of exhausted TV watching, if even that much. That’s not relaxation.
I don’t know how to give myself permission to truly let everything go and just enjoy not doing anything important.
How do you make yourself relax?
Please leave a comment, below.
All workaholics encouraged to answer, especially those who own their own businesses. Let’s crowdsource the answer to this together!
I used to be that way. Just do it. Like anything else, when you practice, it gets easier. Ignore the mess. Put on the TV and kick back. Have some wine if you want. Knit while you watch if you want. Put your feet up and don’t get dressed so you’re not tempted to go out. If ideas start to bother you, don’t give in to writing them down. If they’re any good they’ll come back again.
P.S. Relaxing IS important.
Today’s a mandatory guild holiday. The guild of writers will kick you OUT if you do ANY work at all today. Really. Permanently & forever. They are stricter than Mormons on coffee on that. Also, they have the best spies – you KNOW how writers like to gossip, and how vindictive they can be. Best lay extremely low today.
You just have to make it into A Thing:
* Mark the day off in your Bullet Journal.
* Make a long list of “approved activities” (reading, Gilmore Girls, knitting).
* Plan the day’s meals ahead of time (I recommend planning take-out or pizza or something.)
* Make a very short list of the things you HAVE to do, things that really actually MUST be done that day.
* DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT IS NOT ON ONE OF THOSE TWO LISTS.
* Make check marks when you do them!
Erika, this is amazing.
Much better than my initial reaction: Just put it on your to do list! Then when you honestly relax you can check it off and feel noble about it all!
This is amazing! Use your Type A tendencies to schedule relaxation time. I love it.
And if you think of something ELSE you need to do, make a bullet journal list!
That’s pretty much my serious answer, by the way. Relaxation is allowed and necessary, you make stuff up for a living, and suspend disbelief for a living – make that combination work for you. I hate those mandatory holidays as much as the next writer, but whan are you gonna do?
Oh and as you go through the day and think “Oh no, that thing needs to be done!” make a separate bullet journal list to capture all those tasks for The Future.
When I have many things that I feel need to be done but I also know I need to take a break, I find it helpful and mindful to make a list. In order, I write all the things that need to be done. Then I can estimate how long it will take to accomplish each. From this list I can select things to do based on how much time I want to spend working/ relaxing. Sometimes I combine the two. I can fold laundry/iron while watching tv. I can knit a gift while watching tv. If something is not on the list to do, then I don’t do it. I feel like I am being productive because I can cross things off the list. Heck, I can feel accomplished just from organizing the list. This allows me to feel not quite so guilty if I want to take a nap or just a break. Good luck and remember how important your sanity is. Put it first on the list.
I love this idea! Thank you!
Yes! Assign time only for yourself! Unplug! Creating a relaxing environment helps tremendously too! Distract your thoughts with senses (something I am learning in EMDR). Light a candle, draw the curtains, wrap up in a fuzzy blanket (or whatever textile brings you comfort), and treat yourself to a snack you love. I like to make fresh coffee and dunk gingersnaps.
I am curious to know where this avi picture of me from over a decade ago came from…
Great tips, and that avi is cute! 🙂
I retired in March but I can’t stop. Multitasking. Planning. Listing. Working on not working. My mind will not stop. Guilt. Not being more. Doing more. But then I sit and knit. Or sew a bit. Or bake some bread. Still doing but what I WANT to do.
It’s so weird to switch to suddenly! Thanks for this.
I think you need to schedule the to-do’s. Make a list of all the crap that needs doing and schedule them out for the next week or so. This way you can enjoy vegging out today guilt free because your chores are on the calendar and you’ll do them tomorrow/later in the week!
As my mom told me when I came home from the hospital with my first born, “Make yourself a schedule.” So schedule yourself a vacation day. Or call it a mental-health day. Self-maintenance? Anyway you look at it, the point is to make yourself a priority. You have to rest and recharge and replenish, so consider it an important work item to work on your relaxation.
Now get to that couch and put a serious effort in to that!
This is not a vacation day. It’s a Rachael day. And you probably need at least a whole week for Rachael-her list is pretty long. If you have to think of it as Migraine Prevention Day then DO IT. Or your body will do it for you. It’s already coaxing you.
Gilmore Girls. Knitting. Mindfulness. Going out to dinner in the New-to-you car even if it’s just for dollar tacos. Stop in at that new place that you noticed but didn’t get around to seeing yet. Go visit friends.
There will always be things to do. And people to do them.
There will only be one Rachael.
I don’t care what your house looks like or if your to do list is 3 pages.
I care that you have yet another day to be happy and discover greater joy. Sigh a contented sigh. Laugh. Love. Eat ice cream. Snuggle that furry family.
ha! got a migraine right after I wrote this post. I will try to schedule rest better, first! xo
What Erika said. Mark it in your bullet journal as self care or personal margins or whatever and give yourself real permission to do it. Watch Gilmore Girls, knit, nap, walk the dogs and just know that we are human beings rather than human doings and we lose the damn plot if we don’t take time to just be. It also gives us the energy and the space to be busy when we need to be.
Set a timer for 20 minutes. Tackle a chore. When the timer goes off, STOP. Go sit down. Watch a show and knit. Then do 20 more minutes. Rinse. Repeat. The key is you must stop and put down whatever is in your hands when the timer goes off. No “I will just finish this.” No. stop. This way your worker bee self gets to have accomplishments and your tired self gets down time.
Yes, this was my thought too. I do this, though it’s sort of in reverse… the impetus is different as I don’t want to do chores but I do want to relax. But it’s the same thing as far as making yourself do what you don’t want to (me chores, you relax) by telling yourself that you may stop and do what you actually want (me relax, you chores) after a predetermined span of time.
Schedule relaxing time. And schedule house keeping time as well. If you dislike doing it as much as I do that is the only way it will get done. At least you will have the satisfaction of crossing it off the list.
I do 20 min of chores a day–if the house is messy, do 20 min in the room you’ll be hanging out in so you don’t have to look at mess. Then, as others have said, make a relaxation list.
I like the simplicity of this. Thank you!
I’m a freelance editor. I’ve actually started to schedule days off (or half-days off) into my calendar. Given the vagaries of my job, sometimes the days off don’t always stay put: if a project is late, I’ll move a day off earlier, so I can work when I need to. If a day off falls on a day when I feel motivated to work (for whatever reason), I’ll work, and postpone my time off.
Give yourself permission to take time for YOU. Schedule immovable appointments that do good things for YOU, not stuff like dentist appointments, but a massage, or a group exercise outing, or even a get-together with a friend to sit and knit in a coffeehouse for an hour. Think of it not as time when you could have been doing something “productive” (whatever that means), but as doing something that recharges your batteries so you can work smarter and better during the hours that you do work.
Relaxation doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. Sitting down doing nothing is NOT relaxing to me. Gilmore Girls and knitting, yes, totally relaxing – but only under the right circumstances. If I’m stressed about everything I’m not doing, well. No.
When I’m overwhelmed, I can’t relax at all. There are certain things that have to be taken care of. For me, a clear desk is absolutely critical – if it’s hidden under drifts of crap, it’s part of the mountain of stress in my mind and I get to feeling panicky. Housework, I don’t care about so much! But if it’s part of a bigger mountain, yep, problem.
So here’s what I’d do. I’d tidy my desk (and to a degree the rest of the study), making a to-do list as I go. I’d write down everything I need to do. Everything. Sort that mental stress mountain into a neat orderly row of little to-do piles, so that I have a clear picture and don’t feel so overwhelmed. Then, I’d make a plan for what I was doing when. But NOT DO IT, because as you say, once you start you don’t stop. If my goal is to have some couch time, the only actual task I’m allowed is sorting out my mind so that I’m ready to tackle the actual work when I decree it’s work time.
But getting everything organised is critical. All those pressing “oh crap I have to deal with XYZ” feelings have to get out of my head and down on paper. Then I can stop thinking I’m losing my grip. (Have you read How to be a Productivity Ninja? I’m not a big productivity book fan, but I really like this one, although the key message is simply: write shit down.)
I LOVE this! Thank you, Robynn! And I will immediately get that book from the library.
First things first:
Think about how often you should relax–hint, two days a week. Then schedule it. This isn’t your poop-scooping time, this is your relaxing time. You come first, otherwise how can the rest of us read your brilliant words? Words you can’t write if you are a work-exhausted nutter butter.
That’s why you left the day situation, most likely.
You don’t just deserve rest, you need it like air and water and food and shelter.
At first, ask permission of your partner if you need to. Your partner will eye-roll, sigh, roll shoulders forward and shake head, saying “YESSSSSSS PLEASSSSSEEEEEEEE.”
Trust me, you’ll know when you are actually slacking. Use your powers of get-er-done to get your relaxing done.
Sometimes it helps to go on a trip and notice how many hours or days it takes you to actually BE on vacation. For some reason that lag time always encourages me to take more vacation/relaxo time.
Love this. 🙂
Scoop the poop.
Do the dishes.
Because, gross.
Make a list of all the other things (relaxing things and chore things), choose what you want to do and do it.
Not relaxing didn’t keep the house tidy or minimalist or the porch clear. Relaxing is not going to cause those things to come undone.
And you’ll have a list.
Well I’m definitely not a workaholic but I mostly stay-at-home and am always struggling to optimise my time. I always want to ‘clear the decks’ – get the chores done and tick off the to-do list – before I can get on with something creative. The golden rule used to be ‘do what has to be done, then do what you want to do’. But the has-to-be-done never ends, and the creativity ends up getting the raw deal. These days I try to invert the rule. If something really truly has to be done (dishes, laundry, tidying…), well, it will be, sooner or later, regardless of what else I do in the meantime. So it might as well wait till later. Meanwhile, I can write, stitch, whatever… (Can’t say I always manage it, but the shift in perspective has helped a lot!)
I cannot recall if you meditate, but practicing meditation is a good step towards learning to be good at relaxing. Like anything, it is a journey and practice makes perfect! : )
Sometimes our drive is a manifestation of feeling guilty for not doing something. Working on letting yourself be happy whilst doing exactly what you want (GG & Knitting for example) is also good practice. : ) Recharging your batteries is good for the soul. : )
For me, it’s all about time management – outline what your high-level goals are (generate revenue, maintain sanity), break those down into smaller goals (write! knit! do house stuff! be a good partner!), put the daily baby-steps of *those* goals into your planner (write 5 pages! pick out a pattern! tidy up that corner! give a hug!), and schedule your day (or week or month or whatever) around that task list. It really helps me to have the “soft” ideas written down, because if they aren’t I’m really good at down-playing their importance. There’s not a monetary feedback for them, there’s not always a lot of instant gratification once they’re done, and a lot of them are just a step in the right direction instead of doing the whole marathon at once, which makes it hard to see that you’re working on something much bigger — but if you don’t make time for those things on a regular basis they don’t become a part of your life and you’re left with being a workaholic. You are what you focus on.
(Caveat: I’ve been an at-home parent (and now student!) for seven years – it was a really hard adjustment for me to stop feeling like I was being lazy for not having revenue-generating activities on my to-do list every day. I’m not lazy, I get LOTS done, and I’m sane! and I don’t have a job that anyone pays me for — but I add value to my time just the same.)
I was a phd student for 8 years, then did a post doc, and when I got a legit grown up job, I had no idea what to do with this extra time that I suddenly had. I was so used to working all of the time. All of my friends had moved away, the hobbies I had 15 years before weren’t exactly available to me anymore. Everything that I had done during this span of my life I did for a good reason. It took me 6 months to figure out what the new normal was. Here’s how I got back to the groove:
1. You need to schedule regular time for non-work endeavors. This can be something like an hour every day just goofing off on the internet while having a tea. This could be a long walk with a dog (when they get used to this they’ll hound you… literally 😉 ). You can take a dance class. Me? I did yoga.
2. You need to figure out what motivates you outside of work, what are you passionate about. I feel like it’s important to volunteer for causes that you believe in. I started volunteering for a local radio station. Yes, it can be work, but it’s often fun work. It will rest the part of your brain that is usually occupied with your real work.
3. Learn how to say no. As soon as you start succumbing to the fear of missing out as a way to combat the workaholic thing, you are going down that same route. The key here is to figure out what relaxes you, not to find something else to add to the workload.
4. I keep a bucket list of sorts. There are grand sweeping things on the list (like finally going to Iceland), but there are also ones like ‘go visit the conservatory when they have the butterfly exhibit’.
I think it’s harder for those of us that identify with our jobs (first words out of my mouth are always “I’m a scientist”) or love our jobs because we literally can’t think of anything else.
Love the bucket list idea! Thanks!
Following.
I had an epiphany recently and realized that even though my job might be “perfect” for me that didn’t mean that I had to keep it forever. (And it was sucking the life out of me.) So I found new amazing job with better pay where I am wholly appreciated.
But. I have stayed on at the first job for 8-10 hours a week to bring a huge project (10-day film festival) home to roost and it’s insane. When I gave my “notice” it was in too many pieces to hand it to someone; since then my entire dept. has given notice and there’s no one to hand it to. If 40 hours/week wasn’t enough time to get it all done, 10 certainly isn’t.
So, yeah. Following.
Dear Rachael, I used tor read your knitting blog, back in the day. Fast forward and I am so enjoying your podcast. Anyway, I also work full time, have two kids and wrote my first draft during Nanowrimo. Two things I do, 1) I take a nightly walk for an hour. I don’t feel guilty. The kids are down, my spouse watches tv and I go get my walk. I listen to podcasts (like yours) and I relax. I have dishes in the sink. There is tons of laundry to do. I no longer care. The 2nd thing I did, I hired a family assistant who comes twice a month for 3 hours. I carve out 3 hours. This means I had 6 hours of devoted home improvement/family project time that I have scheduled, that I pay for someone to drive that process along with me. We get through backlog and then I can spend the following week not so guilty about my personal time. Many best wishes to you.
Love this! Thanks for commenting, and I’m so glad you’re liking the podcast. 🙂 xo