The funny thing about quitting drinking–I finally feel like I’m in the right place. There’s a quietness within me, and it’s not something I ever expected to be able to cultivate. But it’s there. Once, early on, I texted a sober friend and said, “I’m not upset about anything today.”
She texted back, “Sounds like you found some serenity.”
Huh.
I just didn’t think I was a serenity gal. I’ve always been all motion and action and drive and mania and DOING until I crash into my own wall and knock myself out. I’m both the hummingbird and the glass window, you know?
And it’s not about the quitting drinking, that’s the interesting part. A friend the other day said that alcoholism is like this: Hold up a sheet of paper. Rip off a small corner of it. That’s the alcohol. The rest of the sheet of the paper, that’s the alcoholism, the unquiet ever-freaking-out mind and body.
Working on giving that part of myself relief has brought some incredible peace into my life. I didn’t expect this when I quit. I expected to be boring, to be bored, to be no fun, to never HAVE fun again. Instead, I’m more present in my life than I have ever been before.
Today I have seven months. I haven’t quit forever, just for today, but those single todays add up over time, I guess, just like they say.
I’ve been going for short hikes lately in between writing sessions, and today, as I was walking, I saw, in front of me, the shadow of a leaf falling. It fell and spiraled–only the shadow–until the leaf caught up with its shadow on the ground, and they met.
I feel like I’ve been a shadow for a long time, and I’m meeting myself for the first time.
And for once in my whole damn life, I don’t feel guilty. I don’t need to be somewhere else, or to be outside my body. I don’t feel that unnameable but everpresent and overwhelming shame.
I just feel like me, and like that’s neither good nor bad–I just am.
(Yes, I joined a band this year and I’m contemplating taking up surfing. This might be a midlife crisis. If it is, I can recommend getting one. It’s delightful.)
Thanks for writing and sharing this. I love reading about your success. I’m really happy for you. Congratulations on seven months sober and the positive changes you’re experiencing!
a week late to respond but thank you so much.
Rachael – my husband gave up drinking 7 months ago as well. He didn’t think he had a drinking problem, but when he looked back at his life alcohol played a role in many poor decisions. He has not regretted the decision and like you, feels more at peace with himself.
Congrats on staying strong and for your courage to abstain.
My husband stopped drinking seven months ago as well. Like you, he feels like he’s in a better overall place – not because he isn’t drinking, but because he’s comfortable with himself. Congratulations on abstaining and your courage.
Yes! Finally comfortable in my skin! Fist bump to your hubby. Thanks for this!
Congratulations. What you’re doing, day by day, is amazing
<3 thank you
Amazing you are.
xoxo