Yep. I quit drawing.
And it feels so good. I sent out a whole tiny letter about how I wouldn't quit drawing every day, that I'd made that commitment and that's what I would do, because I finished things.
But lord a'mighty, I didn't WANT to keep drawing for 365 days. I hit Day 188 and dug my heels in for the last time. I complained on Twitter, because what else is Twitter for?
And several very smart people pointed this out to me: If drawing were an item in my house which I was holding in my hands, trying to figure out if it sparked joy (The KonMari method), I would answer no, it didn't. I liked drawing while I was doing it, sure. It was fun to move the pencil, to color things in, to see a completed 2D version of something that had come through my eyes and hand.
But did the thought of having to draw spark joy in me? No way. It brought dread. God, another day to have to draw something.
And this year is about letting go of things that don't spark joy like fireworks and cream cheese frosting.
I realized I was in it for the finish line. A year after starting the project, I'd be able to say I drew for 365 days in a row! THAT was all I was after. I wanted the right to say that.
What?!
That–being able to say that single sentence, to myself or anyone else– was not enough. Not even close.
I do things this way, sometimes. I'm impetuous (yes, I'm admitting it). I like to hit finish lines, even ones chosen rather arbitrarily. I ran a marathon once (twice). I love writing "The End" in my books. I adore meeting a challenge.
But this wasn't my challenge. I'm not an artist. I don't actually want to be one. I do still like drawing, very much. I'll keep it up. But I won't require it of myself. It's good for me to require myself to meditate daily, to floss, to run (I signed up for a 5k! I'm doing Couch to 5k again!). Those are things that will help me daily, things that will bring joy because I'll have a healthier mind and body, so it's okay if I don't jump for joy thinking about buying floss sticks (although I sure do like a ramble through a drug store).
Drawing daily wasn't for me. I thought I'd be embarrassed to tell you. Strangely, I'm not. I'm actually the opposite; I'm a little proud of myself for 'fessing up. (If you want to see the progress, you can look at the Flickr set here.)
This one of Virginia Woolf is my favorite, I think:
(Also, get this in regards to health: I just got off the phone with the doc – after testing, I've learned I have apnea! I didn't know you could have apnea without snoring! My biggest migraine trigger is lack of sleep and for years, I've woken at least three or four times an hour while sleeping. What if helping this helped my migraines? DUDE. I don't go in for a consult for another five weeks, though.)
So. What habit are you trying to start (or dump)?
(Winner of Haven Lake from last post is Kelli – you've been emailed!)
Ooh, it would be great to find a help for your migraines! If you do have sleep apnea, you’ll have to sleep with some sort of headgear (both of my parents have developed sleep apnea), but if it helps you sleep, who cares?
Habits…oh, so many. Lately, my husband and I are working on eating healthier. We had a long conversation last night about ways to get both of us to eat breakfast before/on the way to work, because…well, we really don’t.
Getting my husband to go to a sleep clinic took 2 years; it wasn’t until he fell asleep at a stoplight that he agreed. It was so bad that they stopped the test after 90 minutes, strapped the CPAP on him, and he had the first good night’s sleep he’d had in probably a decade.
If you have any weird muscle soreness (he had to stretch every morning, upon rising), consider that your muscles are being oxygen-deprived overnight. The CPAP is the best thing that happened to both of us. 15 years and counting!
There has als been some recent work saying that correcting apnea helps with memory and possible slows the onset of Alzheimer’s. Good for you for dealing with it.
I have been working a long time – forever, it seems – on shedding the concept of “should.” As in, I “should” be using my degree. I “should” be thinner. I “should” be doing something to make the world better.
And I don’t want to do any of those things. I mean, in a perfect world, sure, but in my daily life I struggle with the idea that I “should” put on real pants before going out into public. The rest of those things just seem … exhausting.
So I’m tying to learn to shed the “should” speech in my head and just do what I can instead. Just, every day, I do what I can.
I’m not always sure it’s working, but right now I’m wearing pajama pants and responding to you while taking a break from creating products for the yarn company I own/work at full time (instead of using that teaching degree).
And I’m okay with that.
I quit drawing a while ago. I felt guilty about it for a long time, I kind of still do. The thing is, I’m pretty good at drawing, but I don’t actually enjoy doing it all that often. But when people see that you’re good at drawing, they encourage the crap out of you, which is great and also kind of addictive.
I’m with you. In the end, regardless of how good you are at something, if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it!
A friend of mine’s father died of sleep apnea induced vascular dementia. Basically, the apnea caused very small strokes to happen many, many times. None were noticeable on their own but the cumulative effect was devastating. He was misdiagnosed with Alzheimers and when he finally had a big stroke it wasn’t properly treated because “he won’t respond to rehab because of the dementia”. It wasn’t until after he died they realized what had actually been going on. I have another friend who has diagnosed apnea and his partner refuses to allow the machine because “he just needs to lose weight”. Overweight doesn’t help, but it isn’t the cause.
I have another friend with silent sleep apnea (no snoring) who didn’t get diagnosed until her husband had surgery and was awake in the night. She stopped breathing and he thought she had died when she sighed quietly and started breathing again. She saw the doctor right away, was treated and finally started getting adequate sleep for the first time in many, many years.
If the word ‘should’ ever enters my head or comes out my mouth, that’s my clue to stop and ask myself why I’m doing something I ‘should’ do instead of ‘want’ or ‘need.’ Congratulations on letting go!
When I was in therapy my therapist told me to carry a paper bag with me all day for a week and every time I thought a “should” I was to write it on a piece of paper and put it in the bag. At the end of the week I was to put the bag in the trash. Well, what a great idea. Sure made me more mindful of all those “shoulds”, and how little use they were to me. I’m glad you stopped “shoulding” your drawing, Rachael.
Congratulations for giving it the boot. I find it interesting that you did it daily for exactly HALF a year (was that a “compromise” on your part?). You are SOOO much more skilled than when you started, so it was definitely worth the discipline! That picture of Clementine (I hope) yawning is adorable.
I think this is going to have me taking a hard look at my in progress knitting projects. I don’t HAVE to complete them just because I started them. If I don’t like knitting them, perhaps I should let them go. I have a couple of socks that I may frame rather than knit their mates. I’m going to let myself be ok with that answer. Thanks for the inspiration! (you cannot blog too much about konmari for my taste 🙂 )
Someone told me years ago to get rid of the “should.” Her take was, when people said to her “You should do such-and-so” (you should lose weight, you should do your hair differently, that kind of thing) the proper response was “Don’t should on me!” I thought that was useful, especially since she felt free to “should” all over me as long as I was dating her son.
My struggle is with getting up and moving, as in exercise. My job is mostly a desk job, and when I get home I just want to bunker in and read/knit/watch the Decorah Eagles/spend time with hubbie instead of doing anything else. I’m smart, I know it’s a need-to-do like flossing, but I have a hard time with that first step every single day. I have no excuses, and I’ve tried every trick in the book to make myself do it. I make promises, hold out carrots for myself, I make appointments, I read horrifying articles about sedentary life, all in vain. Let’s see if dragging the elliptical trainer into the living room will do the trick; Downton Abbey DVDs might get me up and pedaling.
Fantastic! I thoroughly believe in enjoying bridge burnings to anything that doesn’t feel right or work out. Celebrate it and have fun moving on.
BTW, I am currently going through the night test for sleep apnea which has been hell! Me and tech these days? Don’t go together. I’m glad you know now and are getting treated!
From a long-time fan of yours: Love your books and you are a great author but … Don’t quit drawing! You don’t have to draw anything particular, you can just let your pen lead the way. Once you continue long enough, something will appear naturally! I have taught a lot of people drawing like this and it is so much fun!