Rachaelista JeanH got me thinking.
So, here's my question, not lightly asked, how do you deal with "gifts" ? Those from people who are no longer among us physically are easy. The ones from people I see frequently are tough. I look at things I've been given and just want it gone. But how do I justify getting rid of the kindness and thoughts? I surmise my issue is if they ask where X is, do I just tell them, given to charity, trash, etc?
This is such a great question, and a big quandary for most of us. I’ve only figured this out for myself in the last couple of years, and I thought sharing my own method might help some of you.
Gifts are tricky. You bring them in your house, try to make them welcome, try to use them well enough to honor the gift giver who gave it to you, but sometimes they just don't fit.
It comes down to this: What is a gift?
A gift is a token of affection, a physical item meant to convey the love the other person has for you. (This, by the way, is why most presents, even extravagant ones, can sometimes feel a little thin to either giver or givee. No physical item will ever be able to live up to that expectation (This is how I love you. Wait, THIS is how you LOVE me?), and yet, somehow, come birthdays and Christmas, we expect them to convey everything we feel in our hearts.)
The person who gave you that gift was thinking specifically of YOU when she bought it or, even better, made it for you. The gift should make you feel good. It should make you feel great. Even if aesthetically you hate on sight what you’ve been given, even if it goes against every design principle you hold to be true, you can feel the love, right? You might inwardly groan and wonder where it’s going to live in your house, but shake it off. Let yourself feel that love.
That’s the intention of a gift.
That’s all.
And right here, right now, you won’t have to suffer through this again. I’m giving you permission to get rid of all the gifts you’ve ever been given that don’t bring you simple, uncomplicated joy.
Really. All of them.
You can get rid of the gifts you thought you'd have to keep forever.
The gift was given with open hands, to show love (if it was given with ulterior motives, you can do nothing about that. You don’t have to worry about that). Your only job is to receive the present gratefully and thankfully. You need to smile and hug that person, and feel cherished.
Then?
That present doesn’t even have to come into the house with you when you get home. If it’s a handmade item, take a photo of yourself wearing it/using it, and send it to the giver. Leave a box on the front porch of things you’re going to donate, and chuck it in there. Sell it on Craigslist (unless you live in a very small town, then that might not be a good idea. Aunt Sal doesn't want to see the macrame hanger she made you going for three bucks).
There. You’re done. Both the giver’s and your jobs are done.
Give the item to someone who will use it and love it, the way it deserves to be loved.
And as you put the gift in the box or the recycle bin, try this silly thing because, astonishingly, it actually works: Say thank you, out loud or in your mind, to the giver, and then say a thank you to the item itself. (I told you! Written out, it’s just silly! When you do it, though, it allows your hands to open to release that thing that’s been mentally weighing you down.)
But…but…Mom will notice if the bacon-jam isn't on the countertop and ask me if I ever use it, even though I’m a vegan!
First of all, she won’t notice. And if she does notice, she won’t ask. And if she does ask, just be honest. It’s great to be honest. Brutal, embarrassing honesty is real and true, and it disarms people. “God, I hoped you wouldn’t notice that. But you did. Wow. I’m embarrassed. But that thingie-bob was so awesome, and I hated that I wasn’t using it, so I gave it to a friend who needed one, and who will love it as much as it deserves to be loved. I thought you’d like that.” (If you put it in the trash? That’s completely okay! But honey, LIE. Say you gave it to a friend. You get complete absolution for that lie, right now, in advance. Just because we’re truthful in most things doesn’t mean we have a license to be assholes. If you're a bad liar, like I am, make sure you DO give the thingie-jammer to someone who will love it.)
If Aunt Marge gets mad at you for moving her gift to a better, more worthy home? Well, you probably already have bigger problems with her than just giving away the elk horn bugle she carved you (but Jesus, give that to ME, because that would be AWESOME). Worst case scenario? She’s mad at you for a while. Maybe you won’t get the matching elk horn flagon this year. (Don’t worry, you’ll get the tankard next year.)
Need bigger guns? Here you go: I give you permission to blame me. No, really. Say you read this blog, and the gal who writes it told you that you had to get rid of every single polar-fleece vest in your closet, and that it’s completely my fault. I can take Aunt Marge. And your mother-in-law. Even your coworker who makes that incredibly stinky raspberry soap. Send ‘em my way.
Heirlooms, granted, are trickier. Honesty's the best route with that one. "Hey, Mom, you gave me that full set of Gramma's china, but I never use it, and it's so pretty that it's bugging me that it's just stored away. Would you rather me donate it to charity or give it to someone you know who would make better use of it than I am?"
But honestly. A person who cares about you wants you to be happy. Period. Full stop. If the stuff they give you isn’t making you happy, getting rid of it is what they would want you to do (if they could get over their hurt feelings, which is a hard thing to do sometimes. Which is why it’s not something you have to announce to them. “Dear Aunt Marge, I’m giving away the elk horn things. All of them. They suck. Happy New Year!”)
And dude, if you’re part of one of those weird families who give generic gifts along with gift receipts? That’s awesome! You have permission to get what you want! DO IT. Get something useful, something that you love! Don't keep the turtleneck! Unless you really like looking like 1995!
(And if you get gifts that are intended to make you feel badly? Fuck 'em. Smile, say thank you, and do a rim shot when you toss it in the trash at home. Three points! Love YOURSELF first.)
Bonus: You know how getting rid of things opens up your life to other things? In going through possessions, I've seen some awesome things that were getting lost in the clutter. I’ve realized my dad makes useful, hardy things. I love the spoon. And the knife. And the next time I see Dad I’ll remember to tell him, “Hey, that lamp you carved from the sycamore (was it the front yard sycamore?) is amazing in our living room.”
Keep what sparks joy (per Marie Kondo's advice). Ditch the rest. Be happy.
I felt so unburdened when I returned nearly all the gifts I knew I wouldn’t use after Christmas. Luckily, we’re a gift receipt family. Now I have a nice stash of ‘play’ money when I really need something! Great post!
If you live in a climate colder than California and are not as hot-blooded as Rachael, you may keep the turtleneck. 🙂
This post is so funny and smart and WISE
Just like you 🙂 I really want to read that Marie Kondo book!
Friends and I decided that we were only going to do gifts with rules (we’ve been friends a long time, so it’s hard to find something ‘special’- I imagine that this would be easy for family too). So, we either do something that’s going to get used (flowers, candies), something we specifically ask for because we need it (a new wallet), or an experience (concert tickets, a lunch). We find that things that are do-able are great because we experience it together and then have a new story, and stories don’t take up any space.
I also have an incomplete set of my great grandmother’s silver. Her monogram is the same as my first initial, so I’m having the pieces made into some jewelry (a spoon ring, a barrette) and a wind chime. Things being put away because they’re good and never used doesn’t make sense to me.
Also some times it is more of our own personal issues. I have a hard time getting rid of things from my sister or my mother. Yet they have no problem letting go of stuff that I have given them, and I really have no problem with that. I am always proud of them for living their personal truths. I need to learn to be more like them and less worried about what others think.
I’ve always loved the scene from “Harold and Maude” where they are sitting beside a lake and Harold gives Maude a gift (a special coin). She shows such heartfelt gratitude for it, and then she immediately throws it in the lake. “So I’ll always know where it is,” she says. Makes you think about what a gift really is.
I’ve been thinking of making an album of sorts. I will tear out ads or take photos of things I see that make me think of my best friends throughout the year. The thought is that ‘ these are things I think they would like, and they made me think of you’. Then for birthday or holiday giving I would give the scrapbook pages for them to look at and know they live in my heart all through the year. Then they could throw them out because they were just scraps.
I hope I explained this well enough. We are in our sixties and buy or already have what we need. The desire to buy for others is hard to overcome, but this could go a long way to keep down clutter, as well as saving money.
That lamp is a keeper, for sure!
I’ve got quite a few wedding gifts that I need to relinquish to the universe. I’m keeping the husband, but the ten-pound crystal picture frame for a 16×20 photograph? The star-shaped jug? The Mickey Mouse “anniversary clock” that hasn’t worked since I don’t know when? Yah. I’ve got a problem with hanging on to Christmas cards, too.
A dear friend gave me a crystal cowboy hat, which I kept for ten years and never used once. Yeah, it was a hoot to have but I had to keep finding places to put it. I finally gave it to another friend, but with the caveat that if she couldn’t use it or didn’t want it, she should sell it and use the money for something she did want. Which she did.
Prior to reading this book, I had a really hard time parting with gifts, but then I realized that my house (and attic) are full of things that do not bring me/us joy. I’m saying Thank you, donating them, and moving on. It’s awesome! I’m still chugging along. It may take me 6 months to get through my house, but I got another load ready to donate this weekend. It’s fun to be on this journey with you! 🙂
….and lately, I’m really focusing on the fact that when I’m old, the “things” in my life will not be important. It’ll be the people and animals that I’ve loved along the way.
You know what’s fun? Using a $25 gift card to a restaurant you never patronize to buy two gift packs of sauces that the boys in the family will love, and you have a penny left over on the card. What else is fun? Being given all sorts of lovely but not my style tokens from co-workers, then re-gifting them to people who actually will like them. And not spending a penny!
I’m beginning to change my thinking from “the thing stops here (therefore it’s mine whether I like/use it or not)” to “I am merely a conduit; sometimes the things that come TO me aren’t meant FOR me, but merely go THROUGH me to the person they’re really intended for”. It’s liberated me from guilt (and stuff).
Thanks Rachael. And Juti. 31 years ago we got a silver gravy boat from an aunt I had seen maybe half dozen times. What the heck was I going to do with that? It went right away. My big issues is the stuff my sister gives us incessantly. She is a shopper and never knows when to stop. If the shoe fits buy in every color. And she visits frequently, so sees if things are out. How many stuffed animals do I want/need? Zero. How many DVDs can I watch? Not this many. So, I will take the step to get some of this out. Reclaim our space from other peoples good intentions-parents, siblings, friends. It’s my space I don’t have to live in in this way.
Cannot wait to read your new book! Yippee!!
I’m a knitter. I love to knit. I make most everyone I know, and some I don’t, hats, scarves, socks, shawls (that take a lot of time & cussing), but I love to give what I think is what I do well. I’m about to give a shawl that came out beautifully, but I worry that the recipient won’t give it the care it needs, or care about it at all. Yes, I’ve thought about sending a note to send it back to me to be cleaned, lol. But more importantly, I’ve thought about just giving it with a loving heart, and if she doesn’t care for it and decides to give it away, or whatever, I hope that (A) I don’t know, or (B) know that it was given in love and that there is no guarantee that what we create, others will love.
Yep, maybe the gift card is the better way to go, lol!
OK, so I can’t say I’m going to strip back to basics the same way you have, but this has got me thinking about how much of our stuff we really can get rid of. It’s possibly the first time I’ve thought about it as exciting, rather than an overwhelming challenge. Thank you.
Keeping gifts you don’t really like also can have the unintended effect of inviting more gifts in the same vein… like attracts like, so having a home that actually reflects you often inspires gift-giving that actually IS you. Even relatives (usually) catch on after a while!
Your offering to take the blame for passing on a gift in some way reminds me of when my brothers and I were tweens and teens. Mom and Dad told us to blame them if someone wanted us to do something we really didn’t want to do but couldn’t think of how to get out of. “Oh, I’d do it in a heartbeat but my parents would nail my hide to the wall. Pass.” I can’t tell you how many times I used a variation of that, and made sure to pass it along to our kids when the time was right. Now that my folks are gone I can say, “Blame Rachael” when I want an out. Thanks.
Your advice is fantastic! I moved to Florida years and years ago from Ohio. We do not have basements in Florida. We have very hot attics in which a lot of things do not survive. So, after receiving many gifts that we really didn’t want or had a use for, couldn’t return and certainly no place to store, we took a stand and told our families to please stop buying us presents. Just stop. And we very nicely explained why. Some people were a bit peeved, but they got over it. And it is awesome not to open a gift and wonder what in the world am I going to do with it? Even though we have huge families, we only exchange gifts with my mom, we give gifts to my in-laws, but do not allow them to give us any. As a couple, we do gifts for one occasion a year. Most of the time, the gift is an improvement to our home or a little vacation somewhere. NO STUFF!
This is a great post! My mom always told me that until you’re 50, you want to accumulate. When you turn 50, somehow, you want to divest yourself of THINGS. I’m finding that’s so true. I don’t like clutter, and find it all around me. So I’m trying to give gifts that people WILL use, or love, and some that will be used UP. Soaps, nice lotions, candles, and scents. When people give me yarn, I’m THRILLED. But I agree with your, Rachael: the gifted need not feel burdened by having to store something they won’t use and don’t like. So decide what to do with it, do it, and be done! Keep life and your spaces clean and simple! Great post! Thanks, Rachael! You inspire me!
This is a fabulous post. This reminds me of when my mother in law would travel places and bring everyone back these “things”. Just nick nacks. And not my style either.Really, why would your want a dust collector from where someone else went. Anyway, this continued until my sister in law(the mother in law’s daughter) was moving. And presented her mother with a box of stuff her mother had given her that she didn’t want to move with her. It was awesome. We didn’t get more crap from her for a while. Lately, it’s been creeping back in the form of jewelry when she travels. If I don’t like it, I give it to my daughters. If they don’t like it, out the door.
Wow. Thanks for taking the time to write that. Really well said. I’ve been working on this very thing over the past few years and I’m getting better, but I have a ways to go still. This essay really brings it home! I will be decluttering this weekend for sure. (And, just to brag a bit, I did return the awful robe and pajamas my mother gave me for Christmas and got myself a beautiful scarf. Less space, no guilt, and a beautiful item around my neck. It really does work!)
Another thing I’ve been trying when I do travel is to take photo souvenirs for people I care about. They can be big cool things or little silly things, but when I get back I can send out these little bits of the experience taken just for sharing with the person who would appreciate it the most. It’s really fun to do, and can make every little walk in a new place like a scavenger hunt!
I was watching one of those Tiny House shows (I’m obsessed with them. They’re so CUTE) And they were clearing out a house with a LOT of clutter and thousands of square feet to go down to something like 400 sq ft. So what they did was anything they wanted to remember but didn’t have room for (Sports trophies, etc.) they took fun photos of them, and then put the photos in an album or scrapbook. You still have the FEELING of the item, and remember it, but you don’t have to physically store the damn thing.
I thought that was incredibly clever.
Now, it’s been 2 1/2 years. I REALLY need to start clearing out mom’s stuff. My house is less than 1,000 sf with little to no storage, and there are still 2 people’s stuff in here.
Ok Rachel. I’ve been REALLY enjoying this series. I’ve read the book. Cleaned out closets. Even passed on a few gifts that didn’t bring me joy.
My question….is there going to be another installment? Another blog post? Or is it time for me to get on with my life?
Thanks,
Waiting With Bated Breath