If you've been hanging 'round here at Chez Yarnagogo for any length of time at all, you'll know I'm predictable in the way that every six months or so, I end up writing something that some might think is too personal (and yep, this complaint does land every now and again in my inbox. Hey, if you don't like what I write about it, I will stop coming to your house and holding the words in front of your eyes. All you have to do is ask. I thought you liked it when I did that).
This, my friends, is gonna be personal.
When I had my hysterectomy in May, I intended to go on estrogen-replacement therapy. I was 39, and after doing research, I'd decided it was the sensible choice for me. Unfortunately, it turned out that I have an extremely rare and potentially fatal form of estrogen-dependent angioedema, and can't take estrogen in any form (no supplements, no soy, no phyto-, no bio-identical, nothin').
So I hit menopause like a juice glass hits a tile floor.
The doc said I could expect all the symptoms, but I haven't had one single hot flash or a moment of crazy emotional rage. I actually started sleeping better.
But my only other symptom was a doozy: Depression.
I was sad, yo. And at first, I didn't recognize it for what it was. I just called it brain fog. I couldn't connect with anyone, couldn't seem to hold an intelligent conversation. I went to a writing convention and cried my way through it, thinking I was just being overly sensitive. Everything was out of focus and so difficult. During that time simply going to the post office was too hard for me to figure out. I felt bone-tired and got more exhausted every day. At home, I started sleeping in, something I never do. One day I was in bed looking at the noon-time sun reflected onto the ceiling, unwilling to move. I thought to myself, Why am I lying in bed? This is what depressed people do. I'm not depressed. Thud. Wait for it . . . Oh.
I talked to my doctor, and even though I failed her Depression Quiz (there's a fun afternoon!), I rejected her recommendation for medication. I also rejected therapy. Now, I LOVE therapy and sign up for it whenever I think I can use an intelligent outside perspective on a confusing or difficult situation, but this was not situational depression. Love life was good. Family was good. Friends were good. Both jobs were good. I was happy with my life. I just wasn't happy, and the move from always happy to unbearably sad took exactly the four weeks it took for the estrogen to leave my body. So I knew it wasn't therapy I needed.
Now, I know I'm lucky. I don't know from depression.I've had situational depression, the kind of depression that comes from life's hardships like losing a loved one. Grief happens. Depression in those cases is natural and (usually) eases with time. But me? I'm one of those happy-chemicals people. And I've always, ALWAYS said that if my happy-chemicals changed for any reason, I'd march myself up to the pharmacy line and get me some of the good stuff. I understood in layman's terms the idea of serotonin reuptake, and I'd studied the way serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine function in the brain. I held no judgment, none at all, for people who chose to assist their brains' chemistry and functionality.
When my joy and positivity plunged along with my hormone levels, I was astonished to find I totally rejected this option for myself.
Without knowing it, I'd bought into the stigma that medication brings along with it. I'm not sure if it comes from having a mother who didn't take a single Vicodin after her hysterectomy because she could tough her way through it, but I was surprised by how desperately I wanted to try to fix my depression myself first.
(I realize that some of you are, or have been, clinically depressed for a great part of your life. My friends, I can't imagine your struggle. I fought it for a few months, and so often I thought, This is TERRIBLE. They aren't kidding! I commend you for everything you've ever tried or done to make yourself feel better. It's so hard, and I only got a taste. Please know that I understand I'm very lucky to have been born with the positive chemicals, so lucky that I haven't had to struggle more with this in my life.)
I told my doc I wanted to fix myself. I read books, lots of 'em. I learned our brains have to have exercise in order to keep the right levels of serotonin/norepinephrine/dopamine. Ha! Exercise! That's what you feel like doing when you're so sad you can't get out of bed. But I started running again, because I am nothing if not stubborn. I took it like medicine, trying to exercise every day, even though I hated it.
I'd already changed my diet, eliminating dairy, sugar, wheat and all other grains, as well as the nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, eggplants). I didn't think I could get any healthier in that respect, but I did cut back on my optional sugar-of-choice, wine (which is, obviously, a depressant).
I waited to feel happier. Instead, I just ate well, ran around the block and on the treadmill and kept crying. I hid this from you pretty well, didn't I? I might have dropped a mention or two of it on twitter and here at the blog, but I'm pretty damn adept at functioning as a happy-looking individual even when I'm not. No one at work had any idea. Many friends didn't know.
I hid it because I'm known for being happy. Someone has nicknamed me "Sunshine" at every job I've ever had. It was a huge part of who I was, and I was proud of it. (I wonder now if I'd have been so proud had I known that happiness was so dependent on my hormones?) And I hid my depression because I knew–it had been drilled into me from all parts of society–that being depressed is wrong, and trying to fix it with medicine is EVEN WORSE. It would mean that I was crazy and/or incompetent and/or untrustworthy. I am none of those things. So my knee-jerk reaction was NO THANK YOU NO DRUGS FOR ME BACK OFF NOW.
But a month into trying to fix myself with diet, supplements, acupuncture, yoga, talking to friends, and exercise, I broke. I called my doctor and, literally through sobs, asked for the pills. I went on Celexa that day. Two days into the treatment, I stopped crying. Two weeks into the treatment, I felt better. Six weeks in, I felt normal again.
It's been a few months now, and this—> I feel normal.
Normal again! I'm not living in a haze. I can communicate with people. I sing again (the fact that I hadn't been singing had been so weird. I didn't sing in the car or while working in the kitchen. I hadn't even chalked it up to depression, I just had the odd thought perhaps I was getting too old to sing all the time. So it was very, very nice when the singing came back). Now I feel wild bursts of joy at random moments, just like I used to. I also get stressed out and overtired and snappish and grumpy, all mixed in again with my regular, even-keeled mood.
Normal.
The thing I'd most worried about when going on the medicine–that my creativity would suffer somehow, would change–hasn't happened. The only thing that's changed is that I sit at my writing eagerly again, instead of dragging myself to the page. My words come out sharper because I'm sharper. And I'm still completely me. I just feel like I put on the right emotional glasses and things are in focus.
Sure, I'm nervous hitting Publish on this post. My boss reads my blog, for Pete's sake. (Hi, Denise!) Especially in my day-job field, the world of police and fire, being on depression meds was really stigmatized for a long time. You could lose your job for it. That coloring made an indelible impression on me. I'm also nervous because of that volunteer job I really want–what if they read this post and think I'm nuts? Yep, super nervous. But I've never regretted sharing myself here, ever. So I'm gonna hit that Publish button and squeeze my eyes shut tight and maybe take a little nap and have a smoothie later.
This is what I think: let's talk to people about depression, directly and honestly. Tell those you love you need help with figuring this shit out. Encourage those you love to accept the help they need. IT'S NOT WRONG to be depressed, and there are things that can truly help you feel better. (And the thing I hear most when I do bring it up? "Oh, I don't want to go on that, it might affect my sex life." Dude, your LIFE is affecting your sex life when you're depressed. Don't buy that line. Sex is a lot more playful and fun when you're happy.)
I deserved to feel better. I deserved to find the things that would help. For me, it's diet, exercise, and medicine. You deserve to figure out what makes you feel better.
Big love.
Oh, big love, big love to you, Rachael… I had NO IDEA, you really hid it well. Once again, you have made me admire you even more, with this honest and courageous post and with struggling so valiantly through this. XOXO, more later, I want to take some time to process this…
I had a big period of depression that coincided with graduate school. Be very happy that the happy pills are working for you, I’m not sure if it was that I was depressed so long that being happy felt wrong, or that the pills did have an effect on my thinking, but they didn’t work for me. I’ve since graduated, and after a few years, I was sitting in the back yard, relaxing with a book under the sun, and thought: wow, I remember this, I remember being happy. Everything changed. Life is so much better now.
As for stigma, it’s posts like these that effect those that haven’t had to deal with depression. Posts like these remind others that while you may not be affected, others that you love/work with/admire, do, and that this disease doesn’t change any of that.
Thank you for sharing.
I am so, so proud of you for writing this. As a medical student and a mental health patient, I’ve written before that mental health care is medical care, period. Stephen Fry (or someone else equally wise) wrote that of course medication is a crutch. When you have a broken leg, you need crutches, and when your neurotransmitters get screwy, you need medication. It’s medical care. It’s normal. It helps people lead normal lives.
Thank you, so much, for talking about this. Go look in the mirror and say “I’m so awesome” because I would say that to you in person but I’m on the wrong coast. And then get Lala to give you a big hug for me, too.
Great post! My experience with depression is very similar to yours. It’s interesting how depression, for some, is best fought PHYSICALLY- through diet, medication and definitely exercise. Our brains are physical organs. They get sick when they don’t have the right chemicals, hormones, etc. I am so glad to hear that you successfully fought depression. You go, girl!
*Hugs* Glad you’re brain is behaving better now. It’s interesting the things we discover we have internalized along the way.
Bravo and kudos! I have never suffered from depression myself, however a close family member did a few years ago. It rocked our world and nearly tore a marriage apart. What I learner was there is so little most people who have never had depression out there understand, the stigma associated with it and when you have an open and respectful conversation about it, the number of people who say, I have that too. It was a real opener for us. You are very fortunate to have the first med you took work for you. Often this is not the case. I applause you for using this forum and you words so well. I have a dear friend who works endlessly on advocacy for NAMI, he would be really proud of you for this post. Rock on Rachel- I am so happy for you that you’ve found yourself again!
Thank you for sharing your experience. You’re so brave for doing what you need to do to feel better, then to let us all know what is going on. Glad that you have yourself back.
Asking for the pills made me feel like I failed too – but I was tired, and I was tired of crying. And when they worked, and I felt like I could smile again and MEAN it, I was amazed.
It’s a dark place, and I am glad you’ve found a way out of it.
Good for you, sweetie. So glad you are feeling okay again.
I have loved your blog for years and a big part of that is that you share your life with us….thank you. This particular blog was wonderful. I so related to it. I struggled with depression and anxiety for a few years when my parents were sick (and later they passed). Your words were heart warming and healing. Thank you.
This is why I love you. You are honest. You say what needs to be said without preaching or talking down to us.. you just talk to us, with us. I’m sorry that you hid this all so well, that you felt you had to, but I’m most grateful that you are happy with you again. Super huge hugs to you and Lala… because this was and is a family thing – the support of our loved ones is what truly makes us strong.
Congratulations on finding YOU again! You have nothing to apologize for in your post – and nobody to judge you. It’s your blog and you get to say whatever you want/need to say. And we get to send you hugs and look forward to sharing more of your life with you. Now put on your happy boots and sing and dance!!
Thank you. That is all. xxx
This. Plus for me the thought that the medications others encouraged me to take were just to make their slices easier. Yay for meds when you really need them. Thanks for sharing so frankly.
Big love to you too Sweetie – I’ve been there, and I lost my mother to it. I didn’t know you were gone but I’m SO glad you’re back! XXXOOO
You are singing not only my song but the songs of so many. Keep singing. And hang in there. Depression lies.
Thank you for finding your brave and sharing your story. You deserve to be happy and to sing. I’m so glad you were able to find your voice again and speak for millions who can’t.
Great blog Rachael – its sad that so many people suffer alone with things like depression.
We all like to think we are unique but i’m guessing being one of those rare people in this case probally wasnt something good this time 🙁
at the risk of soundings like a self help book one great thing i read was that depression doesnt mean you are weak or lazy or anything like that, it is a chemical inbalance and sometimes it takes medication to fix that, and its ok to get help because we all need help sometimes – hope things continue to get better for you 🙂 Bec
What a great post. I feel for you! I have anxiety, social and general, and I resisted the idea of meds or any help for a long time until it got so bad that I needed to go in. It was my second year of college so I wasn’t used to taking myself to the doctor yet, either. I love sleep and always make sure I get enough, and when my anxiety was really bad, I could NOT sleep. And that made me more anxious!
It really is crazy how it can interfere with your life and your ability to be happy. And you can’t control it no matter how much you want to! I’m not on meds anymore, but I feel like the medication gave me the chance to retrain my brain into less anxiety-inducing thought patterns by taking the anxiety away for awhile and letting me just experience social situations without fear. I recently had a screening with a mental health professional in order to become a mentor to a 5th grader in my community. She kind of chuckled at me when we talked about anxiety and how I haven’t used medication for a few years. She said it’s a midwestern thing to not like to help ourselves and to tough it out, but that I should consider making things easier on myself and going back on meds. From your post, it seems it’s not just a midwestern thing!
Oh, Rachael, THANK YOU for being out loud about this. My husband suffers from chemical depression and I from situational and occasional chemical. I can’t begin to tell you how much it matters to read the stories of others dealing with the same things. You, Heather Armstrong/Dooce, Ryan Macklin, et al make SUCH a difference in helping those struggling along in the dark to find their way to the light.
I am so glad you rediscovered your happy! <3
Thank you for your honesty, your authentic voice, and your sharing. Your words matter. Thank you for hitting Publish.
Rachael, thank you so much for this post . . . I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this. Sharing has to have been hard . . . many virtual blog hugs. <3
Oh, Rachael, your description of what being depressed feels like is so spot on. I am an intelligent woman battling depression for fifty years and the part I hate most is the brain fog. Sad I can take but the part of often seeming and acting intellectually challenged just kills me.
I am glad that medication and all the other changes have helped.
I once wrote to you about being depressed and something you posted made my day and made me laugh, which is not that common with me. I also told you that if I had had a daughter I would have liked her to be just like you. That still holds true.
It’s good to know you are back to feeling like yourself again. And singing.
Yeah, this is a personal post, but I wouldn’t put it in the category of TMI. You’ve used your personal experience to educate people about different kinds of depression and treatment, and you’ve explained it so well. I’m all for anything that will help eliminate the stigma of depression and help people to realize that it’s smart to get help for any kind of problem you have, much smarter than suffering in silence because you were afraid of what others would think.
What a wonderful post this is. Like others have said, I like it when your writing gets “too personal.” I like your light-hearted posts as well, but the ones where you share something that’s a bit of a challenge to open up about are the ones that have stayed with me.
You make a lot of great points here. There is still too much of a stigma around antidepressant use, which is a real shame given how many people get good results using them. And just too much stigma around talking about depression, which really does get in the way of finding solutions that fit a given person.
But as a psychologist in training, I feel like I ought to share my perspective on what you wrote about not needing therapy because your depression wasn’t situational. The fact is, non-situational depression can be helped by psychotherapy too! When you’re in mourning, having a difficult time adjusting to a big change, feeling stuck in a life you don’t want, etc., it is easy to imagine how therapy might help. But if you can find a therapist that is a good fit for you and whose approach suits your situation, therapy can also be a big help with depression that has a physical basis. From what I understand, in depressed people, out-of-balance brain chemistry and depressive thoughts tend to operate in a feedback loop together even when the brain chemistry problem was the impetus for the situation. And really, most of us have some old business back there somewhere that we could benefit from sorting through.
I mention this in part because I want people to know that even if medication isn’t a good fit for them, and if other changes like diet and exercise aren’t sufficient, there are still options. Personally, I have had a few bouts of major depression in my life and have dealt with low-grade depression or dysphoria for most of the remainder. I have tried quite a few antidepressants over the years. I would wait weeks or months to see if they helped, as instructed by psychiatrists, get my hopes up, suffer through horrible side-effects (I’m the queen of side-effects when it comes to most medication, unfortunately)…and every time, nothing changed. It’s been a while since I looked at data on this but I know that a substantial portion of the population does not benefit from antidepressant treatment.
I hope this won’t come across as arguing with your post, which I think is pretty flawless. I agree that it probably makes sense to prioritize pharmaceutical options when your depression seems very tied to a physical issue. I just want to submit that for some people, psychotherapy can really help with their depression no matter what they believe was its initial cause. I also don’t want to make it sound like this is an either/or proposition. The studies I’ve seen have shown that a combination of medication *and* therapy is by far the most effective treatment for depression, and there’s no need to choose between the two.
Excellent, excellent point, Susan. Thank you for bringing it up, and I appreciate you doing so!
I commend you for putting this out there. You could really help a lot of people by being honest. And I’m so glad for you that you found what helps you!
I want to second Susan’s comment. Chemical Depression IS a situation, and therapy can help you figure out how to cope with it, and with the stigma and other feelings associated with that.
Ah Rachael. My young children struggle with depression and other mental health illnesses, inherited from their father. And boy has it been tough. I worked in the operations side of a behavior healthcare company, so having my kids take meds wasn’t an issue for me. But, watching my 11yo daughter struggle as we try and find the best medication options breaks my heart.
Amen to having an open mind about all your options and what you need to do for you. My 13yo has accepted that he will probably have to take medication his whole life, but he remembers what it was like before he took them, and he never wants to be there, again.
Hugs to you and yours.
Janice M.
Yes! So glad you’re doing much better now. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for writing about this. I remember when I wrote about being depressed, I had the same feelings – that I somehow wasn’t living up to my reputation, that I was letting everybody down, that being depressed was okay for other people, but not for me. I couldn’t believe the stigma and embarrassment I felt about being depressed, even though I didn’t think other depressed people should feel embarrassed or stigmatized. I’m glad you found something that worked so quickly to return you to your normal state of mind. Much happiness to you, Rachael. xox
I’m so grateful the world has you singing again. It gives me hope knowing you’re out there, living a life I seem inspirational and so honest and generous. I carry many of society’s biases about antidepressants, when considering them for myself. (And I’m sure there’s a dose of suburban alterna-elitism and striving to be different/special due to low self-esteem plus a harshly judging self critic in here.) I’ve seen meds help LOADS of people but won’t extend that same solution to myself in times of need. Recognizing my own and my familiy’s struggles with depression, your words inspire me yet again. Thank you, Rachael.
seem = deem, silly phone typo.
Very glad to hear you found your way to write about this difficult phase and your journey with it. Hugs.
Thank you for posting this and using your blog as a means of support and a mouthpiece for those of us suffering from depression. I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago (and also 11 years ago, and again about 7 years ago) and even though I’ve been in therapy and taking meds, I’m still spending more than half of my time in a fog, having a hard time remembering anything, misspelling things (this is a major upset for me!) and having zero energy. I spend almost a year denying that anything was wrong, even after going from running 4-5 days a week to nothing in a weekend. Even though I was finding myself crying incontrollably for no reason. Even though I had a history of depression. It took a lot for me to see past the stigma of mental illness and get help again…even having been through it in the past. And I know where you’re coming from about meds – I resisted them for about 3 months once I was diagnosed, but finally broke down despite the stigma attached to them and got them. I’m better, but definitely considering switching things up at this point, despite not wanting to go through the ups and downs of new medication. Thank you thank you for overcoming the stigmas and writing about this…and I hope you continue to feel “normal” from now on! Hugs to you!
Have I told you recently that you are awesome? Because I really think you are. Great post. Very brave, and you gave me a lot to think about. When you’re in that fog for a long time, you start thinking it’s normal. And it’s not.
Yup. Thanks for honesty. Stay the course of exercise and good diet.
Depression lies and it sucks. You did a courageous thing to write about it, but more so that you did the right thing for you. Courage.
This is an awesome post! Sending you a huge hug, Rachael! (((( O )))) You did the right thing, Sweetie! You tried so hard to fix yourself but you needed that little bit of outside help. Very glad things are looking much better. With the world in the state it is in, it is a wonder anyone stays healthy. Glad you are smiling and singing again. The hysterectomy crashed your world but you have climbed the ladder again. “Knowing you” as well as I do, I thought something seemed odd but didn’t quite pick up on it. Sending much love to you, Lala and the 4-footed furry ones.
You are saving lives, with this post. We never think that it is anything but cathartic, when we write about personal issues, until someone, who is suddenly elevated by words, writes or mentions it in person. Talking about what is happening/has happened is like medicine to folks going through the same thing; they recognize themselves and relate, realizing that there is not only someone else going through such an ordeal but that the author has found the key to their own salvation.
I know a couple of women who eschewed hormones after a hysterectomy, only to find that their bodies were the opposite of yours; needing estrogen replacement to LIVE. We Cold Turkey people are SO proud about getting through the road to menopause “without the damned drugs”, only to secretly wish that estrogen was still in our lives.
Brava to you, Sistah Friend. You rock and now…literally.
Thank you so much for telling your story. It seems that so many who suffer from depression are often hesitant to share, but it’s the best way to help other people. I was able to guide my husband to getting help because of any number of bloggers who wrote about their depression. We’re so much better because he’s on medication.
I’m so thankful you decided to go on medication and that it worked so well for you.
Sing it loud!!
Congratulations.
xo.
Thank you. So. Much.
Have to unlurk to say “Brava”. There are many of us out there.
Big love right back at you xoxo
Good on you for not only being strong enough to make life changes during your depression, but also for accepting help from your doctor (who appears to have their own head on straight). In our household, we have dealt with situational depression and have a family member with bipolar disorder. Some days it’s all you can do to climb out of bed and put one foot in front of the other, even if it’s just to go downstairs and knit while watching bad TV.
Now that you’re feeling “normal”, do yourself a favour and put a post-it somewhere that you will see it, with a note that if you ever decide to go off your medication, that you first NEED to read what you’ve written here. It’s a silly pitfall, but it happens…you feel perfectly fine, and figure that it’s not the pills, so you just stop taking them. You’re fine for awhile, but then it creeps up on you, and you don’t feel that it’s worth the effort to start taking them again.
Trust me, nothing makes Xmas more “fun” than a family member who has gone off their meds at entirely the wrong time. Seriously.
All that doom and gloom aside, hooray for singing and feeling joyful again! It’s the small things that we miss 🙂
Thank you for talking about this. Depression eats people alive, and it thrives on silence.
As always, Rachael, you speak the truth so clearly. You should send this, or a version of it, to a magazine so more people can see it. Glad you’re feeling better.
big squishy hugs and lots of love for you.
xoxo
Rachael, Rachael!! I agree with Elizabeth D. This posting is so well written it definitely needs to be published somewhere that more people may reap the benefits of it. I have also battled at times in my life with depression and working in the healthcare industry has instilled in my own mind that taking meds for this would be admitting failure! I could not and would not admit failure for anything in my life……there always had to be a way for me to CONTROL this !! But recently I have found myself feeling things in my world were on the verge of “running amuck”……and reading your post has made the transition in my brain a little easier about medication. Thank you sweetie…..your honesty will help so many people who have feared the dreaded “DEPRESSION” including me!!!! I know I’m not running to my Dr. today but I am looking forward to my next appointment now with anticipation……I consider you and your sisters, like your father, some of the most intelligent people I have ever known! Thank you for being YOU! Sometimes advise adheres more when it comes from a “known” source! I am truly thankful for your findings and so very happy for the wellness you are feeling. You deserve every happiness this life has to offer Rachael!!
Oh, daughter, your words trigger lots of emotion…sorry that I didn’t pick up on your depression, didn’t say the “we’re here for you” that you know we feel. But so glad you have found a combination of things that work for you. And so grateful that you can share so openly with your largest support group of loving people. Let’s all try to be more openly communicative of depression cause it can be so truly damaging.
Sounds flip, but what works for my blues sometimes is “Take two actions and call me in the morning.”
Love you so much!
Dad
Dear Rachel:
I have been on Celexa for years now and believe me it really does help. So glad you finally realized that you needed help. When it works it’s likie a miracle you didn’t think possible.
Stay happy
Thank you for being brave and not hiding what you are going through. Your openness and honesty are a wonderful part of who you are–the person we have come to love. Know that for every negative comment there are a hundred people in your corner. You inspire us!!
celexa changed my life.
when i first met you, i was struck by how crazy happy and upbeat you were. and let me tell you, i’ve always been suspicious of happy people. i wanted to see the world like you did. heh. and the reason is because i had never been. but because i didn’t cry, or miss work or miss school, it never occurred to me that i might be depressed. instead i was grumpy, surly, cynical, jealous, envious, rageful, paranoid and ill-tempered. and mostly i was anxious and really really tough on myself for having all of these horrible feelings. for as long as i can remember. and then j and i broke up and i couldn’t hold it together. it was like the last straw. i cried all of the time. couldn’t sleep. didn’t eat (and if i’m not eating you know it’s bad). couldn’t work. i went to see a therapist and when that didn’t work, i called my doc and asked her for meds. and it totally changed me. the smallest dose. a little pill every day. oh i still have my edge, heh. i’ll never be a pollyanna. heh. but all of those really horrible feelings that would stop me in my tracks and make me lose control, they are gone. no more rage. no more envy. no more paranoia. no more anxiety. no more cloud following me everywhere i go. my bosses noticed even. and when my mother died in february, i was broken hearted and sad, but it’s totally not the same feeling. it’s sadness. and confusion. it’s grief. but it’s not depression.
it’s a brain thing. i wish i had been on this stuff since i was 14 years old.
i’m glad it didn’t take you 30 years to figure it out 😉 sorry for my long comment.
And big love right back atcha Rachael! I’m a devotee of better living through chemistry – what a difference it’s made in my life, too! xoxoxo Sue
Celexa changed my life too. I was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety in college and it was crippling. I had to take off work because I was so afraid to be in a public place. I worked super hard in therapy and kept refusing meds because I thought: it will change me. it will make me not able to feel feelings. I am a happy person, I don’t need this. and man, when I finally agreed to try some medication (after 9/11, when again I was scared to leave the house), it changed. my. life. and I am so so grateful that it exists, and I am so grateful when wonderful people like you talk about it because I want other people who need this to not be afraid. so much love to you, and I am so so happy that you are feeling better. <3 and omg I am nervous about clicking post on this comment! and you posted a WHOLE POST! you rock.
Don’t listen to anyone about something being too personal to share! You sharing brings all of us closer together and helps take away the stigma of being depressed AND doing somtething about it. We all need to know that we’re not in this life alone. I’ve battled with depression too, and fought hard against taking drugs. But, eventually I decided that being good to myself was way moer important than what anyone else thought of me. So I took the meds, they were great. I did therapy too and am now weaning myself off the medication and feeling way happier than I have for a long time. Sometimes you just need a little help, sometimes you need a lot, but regardless, taking care of yourself should never be considered a bad thing. Much love to you girl! 🙂
brave woman and BIG hugs, chica.
I adore you, brave soul.
Beautiful. Thank you. I work as a therapist in an Ob/Gyn office (yes, actually, I DO have the best job in the world). Any bias I had about medication went out the window after a little while of working with strong, dedicated women trying every damned thing they could to deal with their depression and then finding relief with medication. It helped me when I needed to go on Celexa, as well. Women are REMARKABLY good at “covering.” So often only our most intimate partners and friends have an inkling of our struggles and that makes it harder to get help. This kind of writing (along with things like your doctor’s willingness to discuss the subject) is such an important part of encouraging women to get the help they need. Thank you.
Good for you! As one that has known the dark side of depression and having to leave a full cart of groceries in the aisle at the grocery store to go to the car and cry it out, I know how you feel. So happy that you have found your way back! xoxo
You are amazing Lady. I have said it before and I will say it many times again I am sure. Thank you so much for this post. As someone who has struggled with depression and watched others do the same I understand where you are coming from. Thank you for always laying things out there so honestly. You are such an inspiration.
Wow. so many times when I read a depiction of depression I sense from my own gut that it isn’t real. maybe a depiction of the experience of a friend the writer wanted to portray.
Girl, I have goose bumps, as well as happy bumps. You so had the real thing and so very much expressed its painful, helpless reality. The happy bumps are for your sense of self you have that strived for self care but reached out for help when you had done all you could do. In six months you went through a process that has taken me years and I am still not on the “sunny side of life”.
People like you remind me to keep trying. And I will!
Congratulations on writing this post. I started on ‘happy pills’ when I started perimenopause, some 6 years or so ago. I was never against taking them, but I thought I’d eventually not need them.
Not true. I have, like many depressed people, stopped taking them for a couple weeks and have found myself grumpier, possessed, and ready to go to drastic measures to get help. Meds do. And if they stop working (sometimes they do), see the doctor and try something else. There are lots of choices out there, and not everything works all the time.
Be proud of yourself. It is a strength to recognize a problem and be willing to address it.
Stay happy!
SO MANY HUGS FOR YOU!
Wow. Just wow. First, I’m struck again by how many similarities you and I have gone through (although my being on Celexa was situational – loss of my dad and caregiving for my mom). It was a tough decision to make because I’m also known as the happy one. (And I am a happy person, I have a great life, lots of love, and many, many blessings.)
Loved this post. Thank you for writing it – you always put yourself right out there (even if sometimes it takes you longer than others) and I just love that about you.
OMG Seriously? Don’t worry darling! As someone that suffered(s)with depression I know that it is debilitating. Take the pills, go to therapy, do WHATEVER you need to do to get well. Don’t effing worry (yes, I said effing) what people think. It is a hormone issue. People are usually terribly understanding because they’ve dealt with it or someonebody near and dear to them has. It is us in our depressed heads that think that people will judge us terribly over it and I’ve found that this isn’t true. Be proud of yourself and who you are and the good you bring to the world and take care of yourself.
Good job, Rachael! Celexa ROCKS -love it and have for 11 years. Also as you probably know, it’s one of the few anti-depressants that doesn’t affect the ability to orgasm. Win-win!
Good on ya for getting effective treatment and getting your life back.
My husband has depression. My brother has it. They were talking to each other the other day about the mental corner that they had turned. That it had started seeming like diabetes. It’s a condition to be managed, not something that has to define your whole life.
Big love right back to you!!
Your story sounds very familiar. “I’m not depressed or crazy. I don’t need any meds.” I was sad. I didn’t sing. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything. But I hid it the best I could from everyone, including my mother.
Then I talked to my doctor and got a swift kick in the butt. I had nine out of ten factors on his list that points to depression.
He put me on Celexa. So, welcome to the Celexa club!
I was worried about the stigma, because I too had bought into it. Then I realize if people talk about this, then the stigma will go away. There’s nothing wrong with me, I just need a little help with my chemicals.
I’m so so so happy to hear that you’re doing better. And I’m doing my part to kill the stigma. I talk to everyone I know about my battle and what’s helped. And I always explain that asking for help is the very hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Thank you for being so brave. You are fantastic!!
Thank you for sharing your story. I think there is still work to be done to help people understand that there is a chemical component to depression and that knowing you are depressed doesn’t mean you can just make yourself happy again.
Bravo! Well posted! And thank you for sharing with us. I think you know we love you but, just in case, I will say it again. We love you. Take good care of yourself.
Thank you so much Rachel for sharing your story with depression. Not many people talk about it and I agree, people think you’re being a drama queen if you talk about depression. If we don’t talk about it and other mental health issues, we can’t get help. And ignoring it isn’t going to go away. I think it’s great you’re able to feel happy/normal again. I hope you’re words inspire others in the same situation to get help or to help another loved one.
Well done. Depression should never be something to be ashamed of. Depression is a physical illness caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. If you have a pain in the leg, you take a pain killer, if you have a serotonin deficit – you take something to help you make extra serotonin. If everyone was as open about their depression as you have been perhaps there wouldn’t be a stigma attached to it. I applaud your courage in talking openly about it. Glad you are feeling better.
It is so horrible that people with depression are made to believe that it is a weakness that needs to be hidden. I deal with mine un-medicated simply because all the meds I’ve tried have been worse than the depression itself (the best ones turn me into a zombie, and the worse make me suicidal). Thankfully, I am self-aware enough to know that “this too shall pass”. Bad days suck, but they aren’t every day. Can’t even imagine being depressed all the time, and my heart goes out to those that are. Glad you are back to yourself.
Whoo hoo for you! I’m so glad you found something–well somethingS, actually–that worked for you. Thank you for telling the truth and encouraging other people to do the same. I loved reading this post. It makes me so happy to read that someone had a problem, did the work, and found the solution. Good job, you!
Well said. Glad you’ve made it through to this point!
Yeah, gotta be careful of that whole sharing thing. People might figure out that you are a multi-faceted human being or something. Heavens to Betsy, people on the internets are real!
I’m glad you are feeling better and may you continue to do so. I’m glad that the medicine is helping and I am glad that you are willing to take it and help yourself.
Thank you for sharing your struggles. It takes a lot of strength of will and character to show yourself as you actually are instead of painting a picture of your idealized self. I feel like the whole world would be a better place if we could all look around and view everyone we meet (physically and virtually) as a whole person.
You are a very strong woman and you are an inspiration to me. Please keep writing whatever you feel is damn well necessary to write. I’ll keep reading.
I’m so glad you spoke up. We (as a society) need to get past the stigma of depression and depression medication.
You all still love me even though I take medication for my arthritis, right? We still love you for taking medication for your health and well being.
Aimalyn said it perfectly. This is medical care and you, my dear, did a wonderful job shining a flashlight in that corner and showing it isn’t scary afterall.
Everyone is saying everything I would/could say.
Some people push through on will alone, some people need drugs, some therapy, and some both. Use the tools you need to achieve the best end result. The “no drugs” crowd are NOT better/stronger. They’re just different from the ones who need drugs.
I’ve been depressed. I used drugs and I’ve not. Different times, different levels of depression. It’s not important how I got better, only that I did. Ditto for you. Ditto for all who suffer.
No stigmas. No judgements. Just love and support and help.
And ((hugs)). Many, many (((((((((hugs)))))))).
Hugs to you! Thank you for sharing this with us. For the record – I don’t think you EVER get TOO personal (and anyway, it’s YOUR blog!). This was such a good post. I’m so sorry you felt so bad for so long (& felt the need to hide it). I’m so glad you are feeling better. And (selfishly), I am so glad you’re writing! 🙂
Thank you for being brave, for posting this, and for fighting the stigma. I’ve lived with clinical depression my entire adult life, and I grew up in a household that did not believe in depression or in treatment for it. The stigma nearly killed me, and it does so much harm to so many others. So thank you for speaking out.
Good for you for recognizing what was wrong and doing something about it! And bravo for having the guts to blog about it. Cudos for not turning into a stark raving lunatic with the sudden cessation of estrogen.
I am glad you hit the “Publish” button. And I am even gladder you found what works for you to feel normal and happy again! And I know how it feels to think you are letting people down just because you are not Miss Sunshine all the time. I have people asking me what is wrong if I am not smiling, just because they are used to see me with a smile on my face all the time. One friend in college told me he didn’t recognize me on a photograph and then he realized it was because I was not smiling. We all have cloudy moments. They are normal. And I think you are incredibly brave first for trying everything else, and then for taking medication that is there to help people. And I have so much respect for you for sharing your experience with other, when you know your boss will read it too! I have started a blog about pregnancy while unemployed and looking for a job and considered to quit it for about 5 seconds, because you can imagine how interested employers are about preggers, but I decided I will not crumble under pressure. And people like YOU make ME stronger and more courageous to do things we feel are right things to do. XOXO
One thing I love about you is your honesty and openness. You are a brave person to share as much as you do in this space. I’m so glad you do share, it’s so thought provoking and healing for so many of us. My momma has done great on Celexa, she went from 95 pounds and depressed to still slender and sitting here in Switzerland visiting her family (I’m here as her “muscle”) and having fun. Use what you need to make yourself better.
Much love! Tchuss!
Big Hugs and Love
Big, big, BIG love to you. Such a brave and beautiful post.
No one questions when someone is given medication for a heart condition or for diabetes. So why do we question medication for mental illness? This is what helped me make my own personal decision. I have been on medication for just about a year now, and I am content with the fact that I may be on this medication for the rest of my life. My whole world changed when I finally accepted that mental illness is just as real and ‘normal’ as any other illness. But it’s still hard! There IS a stigma about it and it’s very hard to explain my choice when there is no test that can ‘prove’ what you need.
So, kudos to you for being brave enough to share your journey with others! You have the ability to influence many, and I applaud you for bringing this sensitive situation into the light. Either way, you have encouraged me and helped me express my own story in a more concise way. Blessings to you.
I’m so glad you’re doing better! Depression is horrifying, and so many people deal with it. I’m so happy for you (and Lala, and all the animals)!
And depression affects not only the one who is depressed, but their family and close friends. So yes, get help. Talk about it. Ask your friends and family if they are all right when they seem sad or just not “them”. My 16yo son was veering toward suicidal thoughts before he let us drag him to the docs and convinced them that this wasn’t just “he’s adjusting, it’s hard to move to a new school/state; he’s just shy, he’ll make new friends and things will even out”. Within 2 mths of starting therapy and meds he was himself again and by the time he was 18 and decided to go off meds he had found ways to cope (running, working out, a job he loves) and to identify and head off symptoms before they got out of control. He knows he can talk to us or to his older sisters (one of whom had a bad bout of depression her 1st semester of college). I’m glad you found your way back to your normal and that you had the courage to share. Mwah!!! xoxo
I’m 49. Aunt Flow left town about ten years ago without much of a fanfare and I thought I’d aced menopause.
Now I’m not so sure. After reading this, and (I kid you not) bursting into the second bout of sobs (yes, second–I already came home from work and sobbed myself into a nap) when I hit the part about singing, I have to wonder if the reason I felt like bursting into tears over that (because I AM a singer, but I haven’t felt like singing much in, oh, about ten years) is because of menopausal depression due to a lack of estrogen.
I wonder if the reason I’m too tired to even think of trying to function normally is due to this. I wonder if the reason life feels so flat and tedious is due to a wicked combination of menopausal depression coupled with unresolved grief following the loss of both parents in 2006 and the surprising “loss” of the rest of my family and friends as I knew them.
I wonder if this depression is the reason I’ve been letting my life fall apart the way I have, even as I struggle to survive (but can’t figure out why I’m bothering). And I’m hiding it, too.
I’m glad you posted this. And I’m glad you’re feeling normal again. Because it opened my eyes, AND it lets me know that even if I’m going through something similar (thanks, lack of estrogen), there is hope. There is a solution. There IS the possibility of light again.
Big hugs.
No guilt required. You do what you have to do to enjoy your one life and be the best you. I love your openness, love your books, love your blog. Best wishes and love to you, Rachael. Wendy x
Oh, honey, I am *so* glad you found yourself again. Big big hugs to you !
I’m so happy for you and SO proud of you for asking for help. It’s a really hard thing to do.
I’ve hit on the emotional rage of perimenopause myself and it sucks. I’ve always dealt with depression off and on all of my life. I’ve hidden it well because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Girls are supposed to be sunny and sweet, right?
The last few years people have finally started talking about it. Started making it a thing to be cured instead of shamed. Just by the amount of people that have already responded to your post I can see that there are a lot of people that get it and that is so encouraging.
You rock on with your bad self sweetie. And thank you for sharing.
Rachael, this past spring I had to quit my job because I couldn’t deal with the stress anymore. Every small thing felt insurmountable, and every day I would freeze up on even routine tasks. This transitioned into having panic attacks, first when I was in crowded or small places, but eventually it got to the point that the thought of leaving the house and/or driving would send me into anxiety attacks. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to see the doctor about it, because I was genuinely afraid he would put me on medication, and that really bothered me. I became really good at putting on a happy face around friends and family, but inside I was falling apart.
The final straw was when my husband and I had a series of… not exactly fights, but serious problems. He finally asked me if we were going to be able to make it to our 10th anniversary this year (not in a snarky or mean way, but in a seriously worried way) – that’s how bad it had gotten. I finally worked up the nerve to see the doctor, and he put me on a small dose of Lexapro.
I can’t describe how different life is now compared to then. I want to go out. I want to DO STUFF. I can drive again without freaking out. I feel like I can actually take on anything now (within reason!). I want to knit again, to dance again, to do all the things that fell to the wayside when the anxiety & depression set in.
I don’t know why there is this stigma attached to the meds. But what I do know is that living life without them… well, for me it wasn’t living at all. What you’ve done is super-brave, and I hope that it’s encouragement to others that are struggling with similar issues to seek help. There’s no shame in getting the help you need, be it meds, therapy, or lifestyle changes. Not only will you be happier, but your friends and family will see the change as well.
And yes, we made it to our 10th anniversary, and we are both very happy once again. 🙂
Thank you!…..for being real and sharing yourself with us. You are an inspiration, and I am reminded again what it means to live authentically. It’s so refreshing!!
Rachel, thank you for explaining depression succintly and with such care. It is something i’ve dealt with since childhood. I, too, didn’t want to accept it as a Part of me. I denied, ignored, talked myself out of it. I created a pretend version of myself that became so ingrained, I still can’t feel I know who I am! I find the sadness to be paralytic and frightening.
My current diagnosis makes so much sense to me. It’s PTSD. I went a long while with diagnosis’ that didn’t seem adequate.
Thank you for acknowledging with gentleness what depression is. I’m so encouraged by your journey and wish for you all life’s best. I know meds are hard to need, but if you’re better with them~~Hooray!!! take special care.
Depression sucks. Have dealt with it since I was a child and let me just say again, Depression Sucks. My family riddled with it and the suicides in the past many.
Kudo’s to you for this post. Awareness so important and vital. Had depression not been such a shameful word 20 years ago my brother would probably be alive. It is the secretiveness and shame of depression that is so damned toxic.
I am so glad you are feeling better and are making the effort to keep yourself happy for you, and those that love you. Smooches.
Re: Amy above. Yes, depression does suck! I have been treated for 25 years, and while I go up and down, I generally don’t go so far down as when I was unmedicated. I am in a little down right now, as my mom died in August, and I don’t know if it is grief or depression. I am so glad you got help and that you are yourself again. And one thing you said should be emphasized. The medication doesn’t make you feel “up”. It makes you normal. You feel so crappy, and with the right medication, one day you realize you feel normal. Depression makes your life gray. Treatment helps the color return to your world.
Rachael, thanks for posting this. You reach a lot of people. It helps to have someone they respect give her view. Someone will go the dr. today because of you and that is huge.
My depression was anemia. I went to the doctor, assumed she would put me on antidepressants but she did a blood test first. I’m so glad she did! 24 hrs after taking a supplement, I felt better.
It’s always good when someone has the courage to write a post like this. It’s keeping depression in the dark that causes suicides. And very accurate your description of feeling like your brain is in a fog, I found possibly the worst thing about depression wasn’t the sad, but the inability to think coherently. We need neurotransmitters to think, and serotonin doesn’t just transmit happy messages, it transmits all sorts of messages. I think of my pills as my “brain medication.”
Once, when sharing my experiences with depression, an acquaintance looked at me and said (and I swear this is true) “what in the world do you have to be depressed about?!” As though she knew everything about me and thought I was just being a petulant child. Suffice it to say, she never moved from acquaintance to friend.
Thanks for sharing, seriously, because comments like I faced are totally inappropriate, but the only way to change peoples’ minds is to talk about things.
You are one of my heros for many reasons, including putting this out here. Thank you!
I had a hysterectomy 20 years ago and had a bad bout of depression afterwards; it’s a case of “been there, done that”,so I can understand just what you have been going through.
So glad you are feeling better – lots of love and hugs to you!
Big kisses. Thats all!
Thanks Rachael. I too have had situation depression which passed with time and, occasionally, a bit of therapy that gave me a chance to vent. First time that happened, I told the doc, “I think I’m going crazy, I feel so depressed.” Then I proceeded to tell him what had been going on for the past few years (multiple deaths – this was at the height of the AIDS epidemic.) His response was to say, “You’d be crazy if you WEREN’T depressed!”
Then, several years ago, a depression crept up that, at first, I thought was related to a situation. So I did all the usual stuff and just felt worse and worse and worse as the months rolled by. My body started falling apart as my depression got worse. My asthma was at its all-time worst and I was gaining massive amounts of weight. I blamed myself for not being a “good” person and exercising enough, eating perfectly (I already ate very cleanly and healthily.) I think I blamed myself because that way, if it was something I was doing wrong, maybe I could figure it out and fix it myself (control freak anyone?) I hit the point of wishing I would die. I wasn’t actually suicidal in that I wasn’t planning on killing myself, I just found myself hoping that whatever was going on in my body would kill me and stop the downward cycle.
In my case, I tried anti-depressants and, while they did help some, over the ensuing months, it just got worse and worse. To add to it, I was commuting back and forth from the Himalayas, where I run a clinic for refugees, to the U.S. where I was raising money for said clinic. I loved my life, except I didn’t; I couldn’t handle it anymore. I could barely get up and out of bed and the anti-depressants didn’t help with that. I was in a fog ALL the time. I couldn’t walk 10 feet without wheezing. This is the brief version; the reality was a lot more complicated.
Then… In spring of 2010, I ended up in the hospital in Chandigarrh, India where they said I was 24 hours from dying of congestive heart failure. My thyroid had tanked – my immune system had destroyed it. This left my body without iron, unable to extract oxygen from the air I was breathing, thus the heart failure!
Two and a half years later I finally have my thyroid levels back at normal through the appropriate meds. My heart repaired itself with medication, time and (especially) exercise once it had regular oxygen delivery again. Most important of all though – the fog has lifted, the depression is waaaay less and I love my life again. I still take an anti-depressant every day. Maybe always will due to the changes in brain chemistry that have occurred. I am the “Joy” who earned her name among her friends! I’m back in my beloved mountains, doing the things I love. I have some permanent damage and still have trouble walking and breathing, but I can get around well enough and I don’t wake up crying every morning! If I don’t take my meds or if my immune system gets particularly aggressive again, I know the symptoms, the depression, the fog, the hair loss, all of it, but mostly the depression. And I can do something about it. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t something wrong with my attitude or my eating or my exercise. It was a chronic illness. A MANAGEABLE chronic illness.
Body changes can lead to emotional changes. You were right, Rachael, that you didn’t need talk therapy, but you did need some biochemical adjustment after your hysterectomy. I’m really grateful that you got it and even more grateful that you shared it with the rest of us. Thank you for your courage!
And, being the wordy b***h that I am, I realized I wanted also to thank Susan, above, for her perspective. During the 2 years I was struggling to get my illness under control, even with anti-depressants, I found therapy really helpful for venting my frustration with the circumstances and for helping me learn techniques for coping better with both disability and family/friends expectations. Okay and my own expectations needed some adjustment too 😉 I was fortunate to have the most amazing therapist ever. She’s high on the list of Goddesses I have known!
I have had depression on and off since my early 20’s and have always managed but admitted just over a month ago that I was on the edge and was not coping. I have had therapy before and have a pretty good understanding of where I’m at and decide that medication was the sensible option.
I now feel like I can meet a friend for coffee and plan a holiday, things that would have been too much effort less than a month ago. I was worried about the stigma but on eventiually telling my friends, 2 told me they have taken meds for years. I hope to come off them in 6-9 months but am so enjoying feeling NORMAL again.
Thank you for your post
Oh, I just reading your posts. Glad you’re feeling better and happier.
Good for you, Rachel!! I’m so happy you are finally feeling better. It takes a lot of courage to face any kind of psychological disorder (even though it may be induced by real physiological reasons) and even more to talk about it! I totally understand how you feel about taking medication, too. It’s too bad more people don’t talk about these things, then there wouldn’t be so much stigma attached to the fact that we don’t all (i.e. most of us)have perfectly functioning bodies and psyches. There is no shame in that, it just is. There could be a lot more people living happier lives if they did exactly what you have done and found some relief. If you had diabetes you would take medication wouldn’t you? Mental health is no different. I’m proud of you for sharing and very happy that you are feeling so much better! Bless you for having the courage to share your story and perhaps cause a light to go on in someone else’s mind!
It is SO HARD sometimes for me to come to terms with my depression. It’s a work in progress, and I still haven’t found a balance. Like you, I get complimented on my cheerfulness at my jobs. A coworker once asked me how I can always be so happy at work. I told him, “It’s easy because it’s all an act.”
Of course, I said it with a smile on my face, so I doubt he believed me. Truth is, I work part-time, and the 4 hours that I spend at work are the absolute pinnacle when it comes to feeling like I’ve accomplished something in my life. When I leave, I can’t do any more than sit, watch Netflix or play Glitch, and cry. *sigh*
A loved one had depression so bad that they ended up in the hospital. Treatment brought that person back to me. You keep up what you are doing, you’re loved ones want you. Trust me, I know.
Thanks for sharing this Rachael. I’ve been battling this depression thing on and off for quite a while. I’ve been hiding the way I feel so well, for so long, I’ve sort of lost myself in the fake self that I show to others — it’s not pretty having this false face up constantly. I’m not even sure who I really am because of this. I realize that I do need help but I just can’t get any, so I’m sort of just doing the exercising thing, reading all hours of the night when I feel like crying, or just lying awake and running over all the things that are causing this feeling. I also just keep myself extrodinarily busy. I also knit. A lot. (As a matter of fact, it was one of the reasons why I made the chioce to knit every project in Knitting Workshop.) And I’m starting to say just a few things that I think. (If I said everything I thought nobody would still be speaking to me.)
By the way, I work the local non-profit circut pretty well,(part of the keeping busy thing) and I can tell you applications are pretty much just a formality for these things — they are dying of lack of labour. At George Marks, they probably just want to make sure your not some child hurter.
Thank you for your honesty and bravery… every time someone speaks about mental health in this way, it changes the world for the better. We all deserve to feel happy, and live fulfilling lives. And, we deserve to be the best possible version of ourselves, for the sake of those we love.
I have struggled with depression on-and-off for years, and finally found the medicine (Zoloft) that helps me be ME again. My doctor and I adjust the dosage as I need to, and I can’t even begin to tell you how much more productive I have been these past few years: I went back to school, earned another degree, and now have a job that I love. I’m a better mother to my three girls, and I hope my openness and honesty with them about my situation has given them a strong, positive model to follow in their own lives.
My writing is better. My KNITTING is better.
Life in general is just BETTER.
I have accepted that I will likely be taking meds for the rest of my life. But, when life feels THIS much better, I’m absolutely fine with that fact.
Wishing you all the best– xo CGF
This is a beautiful post, and you are a beautiful person – and you are totally NOT crazy, so stop worrying about that 🙂
You. Rock. That is all.
First, huge hugs to you! Second, thank you so much for being brave enough to speak and share your truth regarding depression. As a therapist, I wish that there were more people speaking up so that my clients didn’t so often feel alone. Again, thank you!
You are a strong and beautiful woman and I so admire your courage! I’m so glad to call you friend.
You’re an inspiration Rachael. I can only say ditto to everything everyone else has already said. You’ve given me pause for thought too though, as I stopped singing and thought I knew why (nasty person at work) but perhaps I need to just start again and push on through for I do miss it and the fact is that singing is part of who I am.
Rachael, You ROCK!! I totally understand – for me it is anxiety that makes me depressed and the Celexa worked well until i was taking too many milligrams that they went to Lexapro:-) and I’m a happier camper because of it! lots of hugs and when i have my thoughts in better order I will come back in here and write a much longer response:-) lots and lots of hugs!
karola
I am totally in awe of you, your writing and your ability to share in such a way that I felt as if you were speaking ONLY to me. Thank you.
Hi Rachel,
This post persuaded me to take the zoloft my doctor has been encouraging. Can you speak at all to the initial side effects you experienced? Because after three days I am feeling awful, almost non-functional with dizziness, sweating, chest pains, stomach pains and just a general weird, spaced out feeling. I don’t want to give up, but need some reassurance that it will be worth all this. Not sure how I will be able to work or take care of my kid in this coming week.
THANK YOU, Rachael. Thank you so much for talking about this: depression, your struggle, your happiness, everything. I’m one of those people who’s always struggled with depression … and recently made the decision to start medication for the third time, after years of trying to “do it on my own.” Knowing, at 32, that it will probably be for the rest of my life. And learning, slowly, how to open up and talk about it. You described so perfectly what it feels like. Thank you.
Big hats off to you! The best writers are always the ones who are honest – especially honest in a brave, no slinking around kind of way. So glad to her you are feeling normal again and thank you for writing (then sharing) this post 🙂
Good for you, girl. And thank you — I had no idea that brain fog was a symptom of depression. I thought I had just become lazy in mind and body, but now I can see that it was something else entirely. What a difference a little bit of information makes!
Rock on, Rachael! Thanks for opening up this dialog further. The more people talk about depression, the more people will understand and recognize and be kind (to themselves and others).
Thank you for posting about depression. So many people won’t admit it or get the help they need. I am SO glad you are better!!
Awesome post. I have been in therapy and on antidepressants for 12 years now, and I have always been vocal about the need to de-stigmatize depression and its treatment. Thank you for adding your voice to the discussion and making it clear that medication doesn’t stop your creativity or stop you from having emotions. Bravo to you for having the strength to choose medication and talk about it!
@Kristin – don’t give up! But DO talk to your doctor about your side effects.
I had scary side effects my first two weeks, but I knew they should get better within the month. One night while laying in bed I felt my whole face and neck start to go numb from one side to the other! (and that wasn’t a listed side effect!)
I also had a general feeling that something weird was happening in my brain. I couldn’t begin to explain some of the weird side effects I had.
However, by the third week they started to subside and my doctor said the key was to decide if they were a real danger or if they ‘hindered’ me. I made it through and it was worth it.
So, maybe your symptoms will subside, or maybe you need a different medication. The most important thing is to TALK about it with your doctor…or even call your local pharmacist. Most pharmacists are more than happy to help and they know LOADS about medications and side effects. Hope this helps….
Oh, Sunshine, I had no idea! (I had no idea about the money pit either and boy-o-boy, have I been there). I think I’ve been depressed every year of my life from October to April. Nothing is good. No one likes me. I don’t like me. All it is is fog and feeding the cows and studying so maybe I can do something besides live in the fog and feed the cows. It hit me today like an evil demon dancing on the fish fillet knife stuck in my eye. I couldn’t even leave the house, nor want to. It is an evil black dog which dogs my steps. Every train whistle in the night? Shoot! A lost chance. Every giant big tree I drive by makes me think of driving really fast and seeing if my car would survive that kind of head on. It is horrible. I can’t think, can’t plan…what kind of life IS this? Then I had children, one whose idea of depression is having pillow wrinkles on her face and the other has spend time in lock down places because his depression involved knives. I told him today what a time I am having and he hugged me and told me he really understood. And he does. And so do you. And it gets better (only because depression demons have to keep you propped up so they can torture you some more.)
What would work for me, back in the day when I was working would to be to pop my own “Come to Jesus” CD in, crank it up and sing. Usually, just before I turned in at the gates, I’d be singing “Oh, Happy Day” from Sister Act. Then I could flip that switch and act like sunshine until it was time to slog out of the gates.
So I get you doll. And I’m only an email away.
I salute the amount of courage that it took to push “publish” on this post. Depression is AWFUL. I so appreciate your discussing the “fighting the meds” atttitide, the stigma of “oh cant you handle this on your own?” or “get some excersize” mentality( like I hadnt already tried all that). After my hysterectomy, I decided that my uterus must have been the cause of all my problems in life, so I stopped all meds. Yup, tossed the Prozac for OCD, and refused HRT. During the six months of no meds, I excersized, changed eating habits, meditated,prayed,and still, I was bat shit crazy, in bed crying, or binge eating. I thought I hid it well and when I finally confessed to my sister, who is a nurse, she told me the TRUTH about my behavior(which was apparent to everyone except me) and to get back on my meds ASAP, and to NEVER do that again. Her “permission/insistence is what turned the tide of madness. So there ya have it…..Trust the people who love you Brave Girl and publish on!
FANTASTIC!! Have you any idea how well you write and how many souls are grateful that you share?!
THANK YOU!!
Amen, sister! I went through almost the exact same process as you did before I “gave in” and started taking Celexa. It has changed my life (for the better). I am shocked at how awful I felt before I started taking it. And I am one of those people who refused to take any pills for any reason. I have learned, through my own experience–medicine is wonderful when it is used wisely. And antidepressants are godsends for those who are depressed.
If you don’t get enough vitamin D you get rickets. Not enough vitamin c = scurvy. Get my drift?
Not enough serotonin or other brain chemicals and you get depression.
I often use the “you wouldn’t try to ride your bicycle with a broken leg?” argument; so why try to battle depression without the right tools?
Medical stigma infuriates me on a daily basis.
Glad you’re feeling better kiddo.
When I was in my lateish twenties, my partner and I spent our first year or marriage in counselling. And fighting. He was bewildered by almost everything I said, and I was angry and frustrated. I was miserable and sad and lonely, and I avoided spending time with friends and family because I felt like putting on a happy face was lying. Lying lying lying. One day, sitting on the living-room couch in my pajamas in the afternoon, I started out the window and realized I’d spent pretty much a whole month in my pajamas on the living room couch. Something in my brain clicked and I started going through a list in my mind. Lost interest in things? Check. Eating too little or too much? Check. Sleeping too little or too much? Check. I didn’t know what to do about it, but after about a year and a half of misery, I’d realized I was depressed.
Coincidentally, despite that mess, I decided to go off the birth-control pill I’d been taking for years. Wouldn’t you know, three weeks to the day after I stopped taking it, I woke up one morning and recognized myself. We had a therapy appointment that day, and I was all, “Oh my god. Of course he didn’t think I was making any sense. I wasn’t making any sense at all. I felt terrible, and I blamed him, and it was unfair and awful.”
Greg and I had a lot to talk about, given the circumstances. Things changed so dramatically for me that we were able to talk about “before” and “after”. We grew a lot. And I became quite concerned about anything that might mess with my hormones. When we talked about trying to have a baby, we talked a lot about my fear of losing my mind. After I had to terminate an ectopic pregnancy (miscarriage and pathological pregnancy being another thing I wish people would talk more openly about) and we learned, finally, that I have endometriosis, we talked for quite a long time with my doctor about my fear of recurring depression if I were to go back on the Pill.
Thankfully, I’ve been on the Pill for several years now, with no terrible side effects. But Greg’s on the watch. He now knows that he’d be the one to notice any signs of depression long before I would.
Anyway, that’s my story. Like you, I feel very lucky to know my experience of depression was related to something I could easily control, and I never had to face having to accept a lifelong struggle with it.
Here’s to more talking and openness and acceptance. Sending a great big hug, and a high five.
Dear Rachael
I just visited your blog having not read it for many months. It must have been meant to be. Thank you for your wonderful post.
Just 2 weeks ago I admitted to myself that I was, too – wait for it – yup Depressed. Like you, I am the eternal optimist – always up and happy with a pretty darn wonderful life. What right did I have to be unhappy? So I avoided thinking about it for many months.
So just last week I saw a therapist and talked to a naturopath. Working this through. Vitamins especially B12 seem to help me, as well as exercise and less wine (sigh).
I want to climb out of this. I want to find my happy again…Thank you for sharing your situation. Really helps to know I’m not alone.
Oh I could tell. Little things, but they were there. It was a valiant effort, and you did good! I have very well honed depression senses. My two daughters suffer from it and have all their lives. Why? I have no idea. I have been sad, when it seems appropriate mostly, sometimes less so, but never all the time without respite. My eldest daughter at 32 has tried suicide twice. She has been hospitalized (Mom got to check her in both times,what a wart of a day!) two times, and received little help. Therapy is not working, meds have not helped, doctors are kind but do little and do not seem comfortable with a lovely girl crying in their office. My youngest daughter, 18, suffers from massive anxiety and depression. She has some possible health reasons for her mental anguish but no medicine has really helped her. They both have addictions to self harm. So, do I have depression? I have no idea. You said something in your wonderful and brave post, “why don’t we talk about it?” Amen sister. I have heard health care personnel and acquaintances say “Why don’t you just snap out of it!” to my daughter. What a first rate, prime cut idea! I probably have said way to much and you may remove the post, with no offense. But when I first read what you wrote, I thought, “Oh I knew deary” Thank Sandy for the story! I was a blast, and just what I needed:)
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! You brave girl! So glad you feel better. I can relate. Thanks for risking telling the truth. It does more good than you may know.
I think the main pursuit in anyone’s life is happiness. Do what works for you ….I’d be the last person to judge as it takes different things for different people. Bless you dear for being able to talk about it in your own way:)
Thank you for sharing that. My family is full of people who suffer from depression and I always thought I was the one who had “escaped” it. A few years ago I was at the doctor’s office for my annual physical and he asked me if I realized that I was suffering from depression. He noticed a bunch of things that I hadn’t even noticed myself. He asked if I wanted some help in the form of medication and I initially said no. By the end of the appointment I admitted to him and myself that, having always staunchly supported my family members on the fact that mental health was like any other health issue, I was denying myself the same support. I went on Wellbutrin and saw a change. I have realized lately, though, that the world is looking a little more gray and am going in to see the doctor again to see about switching or adding to the medication. I appreciate your posting because I started menopause at about the same time that I noticed the depression, and I am going to bring that to the table as well. It is a shame that there is still, for many people, a stigma attached to depression. I applaud you for hitting the publish button.
I’m so glad you’re feeling normal. Love to you. And thank you! 😉
Hi 🙂
I honestly NEVER really read blogs, but read yours from time to time, just to see what’s cooking in that beautiful mind of yours. I have always appreciated your kind, playful and loving spirit. I haven’t looked at your blog in so long. I logged on tonight to see if I could find out how many books you’ve actually published. I have only bought two, and thought there might be more. I will always buy your books because I like the way you write. I scanned your blog, and was intrigued by the “depression” title, so I read it. Rachael, it touched my heart and actually brought me to tears. You are so brave and wonderful for finding the words to share. It is my loss that we didn’t really get to work together very much before you went to fire. I hope you know you are a light to many … and sweetly touch even those you don’t realize. I just wanted to comment and tell you that. We all have our journey’s and crosses to bear. I am impressed at how you seem to embrace each and every one of them with such grace. You are truly a special soul, and I am happy to know you. xo hugs
Who is it that said “the greatest thing you can do for someone is to tell their story”? You just added to a very important body of stories on behalf of those who’ve experienced depression. Why so important? As a writer, you have the special gift of being able to clearly and potently tell that story when so many of us can’t. Maybe someone else can sing it, or paint it — but most just live it and the experience never gets conveyed to anyone else (resulting in LOTS of ignorance). Writing/telling reaches the most people and has the greatest effect. Thanks for posting.
Thank you so much for writing this. I like your writing, but this one I sent to my internist, my counselor, my massage therapist, my friend,… and it got me to start meds as well.
Glad to hear another person describe that moment as “brain fog”! I get the same symptoms but my counteractions were usually veggies or fruits to pop me out a while. I have a light bout of depression but never felt happier or more control of these odd emotions (odd being a present sensation of asking yourself why are you doing this and having no direct reply other than I am) ever since I got on some meds. I consider them my Life Stabilizers. They assist my brain chemicals to an even playing field to where I can become the master and redirect my thoughts and emotions with greater ease. Haven’t been happier.
Now I need a better way of reminding myself to refill my prescription so I don’t constantly forget and then miss days.
I can count my happy days on both hands. For me, depression is my normal and I hate anyone else to have to suffer through it…I mean, am I not enough of a sacrifice? Evidently the Depression Demons need more.
((to happy singing in the kitchen))