Late post tonight, but I’ve got several things on my mind and want to dump them here before I go to work.
#1 – I miss Lala. I’m really trying not to, as I think she’s out in the woods being all meditative and content. Really, at heart, I’m a meditative, content person. I should try harder to match her in this right now. I think (from what I glean in conversation, haven’t done my own reading yet) that one of the ideas in Buddhism is to try not to become Attached to things or people, as all will change. Yeah, well. I’m attached. I understand that everything changes, everyone dies, people go different places, get sick, suddenly like sushi after never liking it before, yes. I know. I’m okay with that. I’m not asking for any kind of permanent permanence here. I know that’s impossible. But I MISS her. In a pouty, foot-stomping, petulant, sulky way. Attractive, I’m sure. Stomp.
#2 – I woke up feeling cruddy again. But not too overly cruddy, and I decided I would worry less about the marathon if I went for a training run, so I did. It was a hard run, lungs working overtime in the cold, and it was a rhinoceros day as I lumbered around Mills (my new favorite run — Em, tell your mom!). But now, after my bath, tucked up on the couch, I feel so much better, physically AND mentally. Weird.
#3 – A comment from Dear Reader Cathy really got me thinking. She said, "I’m not a writer or a long (or short) distance runner, but it seems to
me the two activities have something in common. 1. Only an almost crazy
person would attempt such a feat. 2. You must love it or you wouldn’t
do it. 3. When you’ve hit that 17th mile (or whatever it is) you need
the someone to run with you or cheer you on." And then she gave me a great CHEER.
I’ve hit the high miles in the novel, haven’t I? I worked on it yesterday! I did! And I will today, too! I realized this: They’re right about running a marathon when they say it’s in two halves. The first half is 20 miles, and the second half is the final 6. I found that to be utterly true when we ran the practice marathon. The first twenty were pretty hard, but the last six were grueling and almost impossible. And that’s where I am in the book. I’ve cruised through the first twenty metaphorical miles, and now I’m looking up a great big six mile hill. I’m exhausted. But I know I can do it. Step by step. My reward is once I’m done, I’ll get to start another! I love the magic of writing without (really) thinking, just letting the characters do whatever the hell it is they want to do. I love the lack of control I have I over them. What’s hard is this part, the reining in, the choices I have to make, the connections I have to draw or redraw or erase. Erg. It’s going to take a while. But with this marathon metaphor in mind, I feel for the first time that it’s not insurmountable. Thank you, Cathy. Wow.
#4 – I think I forgot to tell you this. Lala was recognized in Trader Joe’s by one of my readers. I was astounded. Personally, I’ve only ever been recognized at Yarn Things. It was Dear Reader Laine, and I had JUST been telling Lala about her. Laine, how’s the move going, anyway?
All right. I think that was it. I’m going to watch a spot of TV before dragging myself and my novel off to work. Have a good night, y’all. Love on someone, okay?
I can understand the missing. When I travel, which is more often than I would like sometimes, I miss Aaron very much. And while I know I’ll be home soon, I still feel the stompy sulks come on. She’ll be home soon. And you’ll be even happier to see her for all this missing 🙂
*hug*
My first (okay, my only) knitting teacher gave it all up to go Buddhist. That’s the way I keep thinking of it–“going Buddhist.” She even sold her yarn store. She was wonderfully Zen about her knitting and I’m sure her influence is the reason I have stuck with the fiber arts.
It’s okay to miss someone you love, even if it is in a pouty, stompy kind of way. As much as things and people change, I still think sharing our lives with others is one of the most important things we ever do.
I’m glad that you are feeling better. I know that my brain does this thing to me where as soon as I leave my comfort zone I start to think something is wrong with me. I’ll go months without thinking about my teeth, but put me on an airplane and who boy, I immediately start to think I’ve got an exposed nerve and need to go home…Stupid brain.
It is always hard to be away from those we love. Glad you are feeling better. Best to take good care of yourself. Thank you for your sweet comment, too.
I have a Lala too! I miss even when I hang out with her at work everyday. She is super busy and doesn’t have time for margarita’s right now. I feel the lack! And it seems you have her (captive audience) pups’ to ensure that she come get them back! 🙂
GO RACHAEL! GO RACHAEL! GO RACHAEL! And thanks for making my day. I feel famous. : )
Beautiful, wonderful post, sweetie. The writing/running analogy is great–that explains a LOT.
I think I’ve stated here before that I Do Not Run. But… I like the running/writing analogy.
I am here to cheer you on–and waiting at the finish line to be one of the people to buy your book.. Go, girl!
I was once recognized from my Livejournal picture at the corn maze in the near dark. It was very strange, as I would have never recognized them.
Funny, I was just thinking about your novel while walking home from BART last night, and about how I can’t wait to read it. So I’m glad to hear you’re working on it, and not only for my own selfish reasons.
I’m very sorry to hear about your pouty, stompy missing, but I can commiserate, as I feel that way about my other half most of the time. Just keep thinking about how great her return will be, and let the schmoos love you in the meantime.
So sweet. I can’t imagine 11 days away from Christy, I would pout before, during, and after–I am clingy that way. The reunion will be fantastic though, I am sure of that ; )
Smiles-
Michelle
keep on trudging through theses times, both in your novel and running. eventually you will realize that you have pushed past that wall that seems unsurmountable at the moment.
here’s my thoughts on attachments.
I’m not strictly buddhist, but I do try to see clearly and honestly (and that’s the point of everything, right?), so my opinion shouldn’t be necessarily counted as right.
Attachment is perhaps a word for it that doesn’t make as much sense anymore. It’s okay to love and connect to and embrace fully the people in your life. I went to a viewing of a taped Pema Chodron (sp?) speech a few months back, and she expressed the importance of letting emotions–good and bad–cut you to your core, to feel every bit of it and let it wash over you, because that was the only way to let it go.
Similarly, I think the only way to really live is to have deep connections with others, and to let yourself feel them so much that sometimes it seems strange, and you can have the stompy sulks. 😉
What one cannot attach to is the idea of stasis. Attaching to the fluid nature of everything, especially our interactions with others, ain’t nuthin but a great thing.
But that’s just me.
(sorry, that was long).